Shame

Shame.  A lot of us carry this around when it's not ours to bear.  But why do we do it anyway?  Someone made me realize this weekend just how much shame I have been carrying around with me. He made me realize how this shame has been holding me back from being all that God made me to be.  Shame has me in chains and shackles and that is preventing me from taking steps forward.  Instead, I have been knocking myself back a few steps at a time or just staying in the same place.

I've been asking myself for the last few days-why?  Why are you carrying around something that isn't yours to carry?  Why are you bearing a burden that you shouldn't?  And the truth is, I can't answer it, really.  You see, I have been carrying around a tremendous amount of shame as well as embarrassment because of my past-because of what my story is.  Because of the subject matter, I feel as if I am constantly being judged or looked upon a certain way.  Because my children have a different last name, I feel looked upon differently.  The shame has prevented me from trusting people, especially at church.  And here lately, shame has prevented me from writing.  Shame has prevented me from really stepping out in the world and letting it see just who I am.  I have been giving the world and people just bits and pieces of me.  God didn't redeem me so that I could give just half of myself.  He didn't redeem me so I could carry shame and embarrassment around.  He didn't redeem me with the intention of me staying right where I am at in my journey.  He redeemed me because He loves me.  He gave me a second chance-a fresh start after a hard trial.  He redeemed me so that He could use me for His Kingdom.  So I could share my testimony and my faith because there are others out there with the same struggles I faced.

I wish shame was controlled by a switch so I could just turn it off.  And honestly, I don't know how to not be ashamed or embarrassed.  It's ugly roots are so deeply embedded inside me I don't know how to pull them up.  I don't know how to be free from it.  Thankfully, I know someone who does.  Someone, who will show me the way.  Someone, who will walk beside me through the valley of shame until I reach the freedom of the mountain tops.  My God will take this shame and embarrassment I have been carrying for way to long and He will replace it with His love and redemption.  My God will save me.  My God will help me.  And, my God can do the same for you.

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