Beauty for Ashes

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.   Romans 12:12 This very verse has helped get me through some very tough times in my life.  And here recently, it isn't any different.  The only difference now is, it is becoming harder and harder for me to be and do the things it is telling me.  I know that we all go through ups and downs in life, and I'm no different.  This is a tough season for me and, well, I am struggling a bit. This post is raw and real; it's what I  am feeling at this moment in time.  I know I am not alone in this battle and I also know that I am not alone with the struggles and feelings that come with infertility. Be joyful in hope.  To be joyful in hope seems easy enough, right?  But, a lot of the time, it's incredibly difficult.  I can remember two years ago, at the beginning of our infertility struggle being filled with so much hope.  I was sure the medications would work for us-I had no ...

I  know the struggle inside of you right now.  The pain.  The stress.  The unhappiness.  The fatigue from just trying to please everyone.  I know you are weak.  I know you are questioning me. I know you are ready to quit.  But don't.  I hear you.  I have heard every single cry.  I've seen you on your knees.  I hear your prayers, your concerns and worries.  I know you are coming to me desperately wanting help.  For strength. For wisdom.  For guidance.  I know how hard it is in this season.   I know you feel unloved.  But you're not.  I know you feel like you aren't good enough.  But you are.  I know you feel undesirable.  But you are so loved.  I know you feel unattractive.  But you are beautiful.  I know you feel like a failure in all areas. In your past, your marriage, in your relationships, in raising your children.  Failing is part of the journey. ...

Ever have a morning where you really needed Jesus?  I mean every living part of you.  Laying in bed you already feel empty and broken on the inside. You feel defeated in the first few moments before you open your eyes.  Your soul is aching, it's in agony and you have no motivation to do anything.  You don't want to get out of bed because you have no clue how you will survive the day.  Ever have one of those mornings? Those mornings are tough! But it's nothing that a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus can't fix.  In times like that, He wants us to come to Him.  He wants us to lay all of our burdens at His feet.  He wants us to lean on and depend on Him.  Our God is an amazing God.  And He can work in an instant.  He can use someone else to reach out or speak to you directly.  What an amazing thing to know that God is listening and working in your life.  The peace you get afterwards is indescribable.   ...

This is month two of being off of the fertility meds.  It really has been hard for me.  Hard in the sense that I am giving up the control.  I know I heard in my spirit in early July that I wasn't supposed to be on meds any longer.  I wasn't ready to listen to that still small voice though.  I wasn't ready to give up that control.  In those moments, the desires of my flesh were more important than what I knew to be true in my spirit.  I went against what I knew I was supposed to do and continued another two cycles of medication.  In those two cycles, the first cycle did not work.  Instead I had crazy side effects and pain.  I thought it was a one time thing so went against that nudge again and did another cycle.  This time, the meds did their job, I ovulated, but that came with a great deal of pain and side effects and no baby.     I know that without being on them, my chances of conceiving naturally are slim to none ...

Our Pastor gave such a great sermon on Sunday.  I know that a lot of people left service that day impacted by his words.  I know I left with parts of it tucked away in my heart.  He spoke about patience.  And in that, he spoke about being patient while you are single.  I have been praying for a couple ladies for a while now, and this topic is on my heart to write about.  To tell a little bit of what I went through during that time. You know, after I was thrown into being a single mom, I didn't really know who I was.  For so long, I was a wife and a mother; that's all I knew.  I lost me somewhere along the way.  I can remember trying to find myself and it being so hard.  I can also remember thinking that I wouldn't ever be fulfilled or truly happy if I wasn't in a relationship.  I felt in order to be truly happy, I had to be married.  I was trying to find my worth and happiness in my relationship status.  At times, I even...

John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."  I'm so grateful for the path I had to walk down.  Without it, I wouldn't have found my strength. I knew early on in my journey that one day I would be used for the Kingdom because of my story.  I knew that I was going through all these trials to help women like me one day.  I didn't know what that consisted of or how that looked.  I didn't know when that time would come.  I just knew God would bring me through each trial a little stronger.  A little more refined.  A little more bold.  God was preparing me to be able to tell the world my story.  He was preparing me to love people in a way that I didn't know was possible. Through my blog I am determined to share my testimony with as many people as I can.  Believe me-I was ter...

Walking down this road of sharing my testimony was something four years in the making.  I knew one day I would have to choose to be courageous and just do it.  I would have to push all the fears of what people would think or what they will say or how they would look at me to the side.  I was always afraid of letting the world know just how I had suffered.  I was afraid of being transparent in order to be able to explain my story in a way that people could relate too.  In a real and frank way.  I was afraid because no one talks about pornography or infidelity, really.  It has come to a point where it is just accepted and that's not okay.  I'm not afraid of any of those things now.  I'm boldly and courageously standing up to be the voice someone needs to hear.  If that means I'll have a target on my back, so be it.  I know that there are women who are suffering out there.  Women who are afraid to have a voice.  Women who hav...

My Daughter, I know you are struggling. I know you are hurting. I know you can't see a way out of your current situation. I know you are desperate for help. Follow me. Follow me and I will provide everything you need. Follow me and I will guide you along the path to your future. The future I have in store for you. I need you to trust me. I need you to have faith in me. I need you to be ready and willing to follow me when and where I ask. The choice to follow me won't come easy. It is com pletely out of your comfort zone. I know you are a fighter. I know it's hard for you to ask for help. Follow me and you will never be the same. I am watching you struggle. I am listening to your cries. I have been waiting for you to seek me, to ask me for help. I want to carry all of your burdens, your heartaches, your sorrow. In turn, I will give you a peaceful heart. I will give you rest for your weary body. I will turn your sorrow into dancing. You will feel my unconditional love ...

I have always been very sensitive to the feelings of others.  Especially, when I know they are really struggling.  Sometimes, the words just flow out of me-as if God is using me to get a message of love across.  I originally wrote this for a dear friend of mine who has been walking down a hard road.  But for some reason, I have held onto these words.  This morning, I was reminded of them and felt led to blog them.  I don't know who is meant to read them.  I don't know what your struggles are.  But I do know, our God is faithful-ALL the time.   I hear you. I hear your cries, your frustrations, your hopelessness. I know you are tired.  Tired of struggling, tired of not knowing if you will ever get out of this mess, tired of not being independent. I know your deepest hearts desires. I need you to stop trying to control your life and every situation that comes up. That's not your job-it's mine. I want to carry all of you...

The pain of my past collided with my present this week.  It was out of the blue and sudden.  All because I was asked, "why don't you wear more dresses?"  That seems like an innocent question, right?  But not to me.  It triggered pain that was so far hidden inside of me.  Pain that I did't know was there.  Pain that was still running deep within me even after all these years.  It triggered old memories that I did't want to remember. This period of my life is one I do not want to remember. I just want it to go away.  But the reality is, it won't unless I face it.  This time of my life is where a lot of my insecurities come from.  So for me, talking about it is tough.  The truth is, a lot of my pain comes from the twelve years of being the spouse of someone with a pornography addiction.  There is so much pain from that time in my life.  It's time I face this and set it free. It's not my burden to carry anymore. My ...

It's almost been a month since starting another round of fertility drugs.  I'm on the last of the three medications I have to take to complete the cycle.  At this point, it's just a waiting game.  This is the part I hate the most.  The waiting is brutal.  In about eleven days, we will find out if the fertility drugs helped us conceive.  I'm trying not to read into every little "symptom" my body presents.  But, it is really hard not too.  Because of the PCOS, my hormones are naturally off.  So it makes reading my body a little hard.  I don't want to even think about any of this until it is time to take a pregnancy test.  I say I don't want to think about it all, but in reality, it's all I think about.  My mind never shuts off.  It's constantly thinking.  I try to keep myself busy, but every decision I make at this point revolves around the "what if" I'm pregnant thought.  Am I working out too hard?  Should ...