The Struggle is Part of My Story
The pain of my past collided with my present this week. It was out of the blue and sudden. All because I was asked, "why don't you wear more dresses?" That seems like an innocent question, right? But not to me. It triggered pain that was so far hidden inside of me. Pain that I did't know was there. Pain that was still running deep within me even after all these years. It triggered old memories that I did't want to remember. This period of my life is one I do not want to remember.
I just want it to go away. But the reality is, it won't unless I face it. This time of my life is where a lot of my insecurities come from. So for me, talking about it is tough. The truth is, a lot of my pain comes from the twelve years of being the spouse of someone with a pornography addiction. There is so much pain from that time in my life. It's time I face this and set it free. It's not my burden to carry anymore.
My former marriage was not healthy. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back, I see things clearly now. I still have emotional scars that have gone unnoticed. I've mentioned in my previous blog, "My Story of a Broken Marriage and How the Lord Redeems" that my former spouse would spend hours every day looking at it. Hours. Because of that, how I view myself has been impacted. How I view my physical appearance, my self confidence and my self esteem. All because for years, I was being compared to the women in that awful industry. I was not good enough. I was not pretty enough. I was not in good enough shape. I didn't look like the women in that industry.
Some may say that pornography is harmless. That it isn't real life. So what's the big deal? In reality, it is very real. Looking back, there was one defining moment that stands out in my mind. It was a Sunday morning. My second child was about two weeks old. It was a special day because he would be introduced to our church congregation for the first time that day. So, I got the boys and myself ready for church. My spouse wouldn't get up for the service so the boys and I left without him. I maybe got five minutes up the road and forgot a bottle, so had to turn around and go home. I walked in the house to find my spouse sitting in the living room watching pornography. I had only been gone about ten minutes. How is it possible that he was able to get up after I left but not get up to introduce his new son to our church? At that moment, I realized that the porn came before our family. He would choose it over us any day. I was devastated. To me, porn is not harmless. It is real life. It is a big deal.
It's real in how it makes women feel about themselves. It's real in how she feels like she isn't good enough anymore. It's real in how she feels if her body isn't perfect then you will leave her. It's very real. The reality is, she has given birth to two children. Instead of being overjoyed and excited you were going to be a father, the first thing you do is purchase porn channels. You do this because you know her body is going to change. You know that she is going to put on weight and her belly will grow large. Instead of making her feel beautiful in light of what she endured to have your children, you make her feel disgusting about herself. With your actions, you are saying to her, "you are no longer desirable." So you begin looking at it more. Especially after she has your child. You make her feel like she is ugly-that she is unworthy of your time, love and effort. You make her feel like she will never again hold your attention because of the changes in her body from the children. You make her feel like the women on the computer are more important than herself. She is beginning to fade away. She is becoming invisible to you.
She slowly begins to break down from the inside out. But you don't notice. She tries changing who she is in hopes of grabbing your attention. But you don't notice. Per your request, she tries dressing the way you want. You know, like the girls on the computer. In short dresses and skirts. But you don't notice. She begins to work out to the extreme to get in "perfect" shape for you. But you don't even notice that. So, she begins to make excuses for you and the addiction, to make herself feel better about her messed up marriage. She begins to tell herself that this is normal and all men look at it in hopes of making herself feel better. She begins to feel like maybe she is the weird one because she doesn't like it in her house. Because she is raising so much hell about it. Because she doesn't like her spouse looking at it. So she gives up. She lets go of herself to be who you want her to be.
To keep some sort of peace, she compromises with you. She agrees to be okay with you looking at it for a specific amount of time-and not a minute more. She begins to tell herself that this will make everyone happy. She tells herself that this will make her marriage better. She tells herself that this is what a good wife does. Her heart breaks every time you go into the office. She knows what you are looking at. She knows you would rather be looking at porn than with your family. She is still not okay with it. She knows her words and actions will not do anything to make you realize how she feels. How much she hates this. She knows she can't compete with the computer. She knows you would never give it up.
I was very naive in my early twenties. If I knew then what I know now I could have saved myself a lot of pain. I chose to marry knowing this was a problem. I thought I could "fix" it. I tried and I failed. I can remember crying out to God one night towards the end, "If he wants a divorce, please let him just tell me." The next day, without any emotion, he did. God saw my twelve year struggle. He saw all of the pain and heartache I endured because of pornography and infidelity. He saw how alone I was in that marriage. He saw a better future for me. And a better future is what He gave to me.
Now that the boys are getting older, it is our mission to educate and protect them on this subject. It's our mission to model what it looks like for a husband to love and respect his wife. Adam makes it a priority to show the boys how to respect me and love me the way that Christ loves the church. The boys have such an amazing role model. Our goal is to educate the boys on the impact porn has on women. I do not want them to fall into the trap of thinking this is no big deal. I do not want them to put their wives through what I had to endure. I want better for my children. I want one of my contributions to the Kingdom of God to be the boys I raise. My prayer is that God will protect them. That God will blind their eyes to this. That God will guard their hearts. That God will give them the boldness to stand up and go against what other boys are doing. My prayer is that they will be the voice for their generation. That they will stand up to any boy that is disrespecting a girl. That kids will look up to them for their strength, morals and values. That they understand how porn can destroy their lives and the lives of the ones they love.
The road I walked down to get me to where I am today was long and hard. Even after all these years, I still have emotional scars that need to be addressed. I am extremely thankful to God for giving me Adam to walk hand in hand the rest of the journey with. To give me strength when an emotional scar presents itself. To encourage me. To love and respect me the way I deserve. Today, I'm saying goodbye to it all. This blog will bring me healing. It will allow me to set this pain free. To set these horrible memories free. They are no longer a burden I'm willing to carry.
After your season of suffering, God in all His grace will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10
I just want it to go away. But the reality is, it won't unless I face it. This time of my life is where a lot of my insecurities come from. So for me, talking about it is tough. The truth is, a lot of my pain comes from the twelve years of being the spouse of someone with a pornography addiction. There is so much pain from that time in my life. It's time I face this and set it free. It's not my burden to carry anymore.
My former marriage was not healthy. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back, I see things clearly now. I still have emotional scars that have gone unnoticed. I've mentioned in my previous blog, "My Story of a Broken Marriage and How the Lord Redeems" that my former spouse would spend hours every day looking at it. Hours. Because of that, how I view myself has been impacted. How I view my physical appearance, my self confidence and my self esteem. All because for years, I was being compared to the women in that awful industry. I was not good enough. I was not pretty enough. I was not in good enough shape. I didn't look like the women in that industry.
Some may say that pornography is harmless. That it isn't real life. So what's the big deal? In reality, it is very real. Looking back, there was one defining moment that stands out in my mind. It was a Sunday morning. My second child was about two weeks old. It was a special day because he would be introduced to our church congregation for the first time that day. So, I got the boys and myself ready for church. My spouse wouldn't get up for the service so the boys and I left without him. I maybe got five minutes up the road and forgot a bottle, so had to turn around and go home. I walked in the house to find my spouse sitting in the living room watching pornography. I had only been gone about ten minutes. How is it possible that he was able to get up after I left but not get up to introduce his new son to our church? At that moment, I realized that the porn came before our family. He would choose it over us any day. I was devastated. To me, porn is not harmless. It is real life. It is a big deal.
It's real in how it makes women feel about themselves. It's real in how she feels like she isn't good enough anymore. It's real in how she feels if her body isn't perfect then you will leave her. It's very real. The reality is, she has given birth to two children. Instead of being overjoyed and excited you were going to be a father, the first thing you do is purchase porn channels. You do this because you know her body is going to change. You know that she is going to put on weight and her belly will grow large. Instead of making her feel beautiful in light of what she endured to have your children, you make her feel disgusting about herself. With your actions, you are saying to her, "you are no longer desirable." So you begin looking at it more. Especially after she has your child. You make her feel like she is ugly-that she is unworthy of your time, love and effort. You make her feel like she will never again hold your attention because of the changes in her body from the children. You make her feel like the women on the computer are more important than herself. She is beginning to fade away. She is becoming invisible to you.
She slowly begins to break down from the inside out. But you don't notice. She tries changing who she is in hopes of grabbing your attention. But you don't notice. Per your request, she tries dressing the way you want. You know, like the girls on the computer. In short dresses and skirts. But you don't notice. She begins to work out to the extreme to get in "perfect" shape for you. But you don't even notice that. So, she begins to make excuses for you and the addiction, to make herself feel better about her messed up marriage. She begins to tell herself that this is normal and all men look at it in hopes of making herself feel better. She begins to feel like maybe she is the weird one because she doesn't like it in her house. Because she is raising so much hell about it. Because she doesn't like her spouse looking at it. So she gives up. She lets go of herself to be who you want her to be.
To keep some sort of peace, she compromises with you. She agrees to be okay with you looking at it for a specific amount of time-and not a minute more. She begins to tell herself that this will make everyone happy. She tells herself that this will make her marriage better. She tells herself that this is what a good wife does. Her heart breaks every time you go into the office. She knows what you are looking at. She knows you would rather be looking at porn than with your family. She is still not okay with it. She knows her words and actions will not do anything to make you realize how she feels. How much she hates this. She knows she can't compete with the computer. She knows you would never give it up.
I was very naive in my early twenties. If I knew then what I know now I could have saved myself a lot of pain. I chose to marry knowing this was a problem. I thought I could "fix" it. I tried and I failed. I can remember crying out to God one night towards the end, "If he wants a divorce, please let him just tell me." The next day, without any emotion, he did. God saw my twelve year struggle. He saw all of the pain and heartache I endured because of pornography and infidelity. He saw how alone I was in that marriage. He saw a better future for me. And a better future is what He gave to me.
Now that the boys are getting older, it is our mission to educate and protect them on this subject. It's our mission to model what it looks like for a husband to love and respect his wife. Adam makes it a priority to show the boys how to respect me and love me the way that Christ loves the church. The boys have such an amazing role model. Our goal is to educate the boys on the impact porn has on women. I do not want them to fall into the trap of thinking this is no big deal. I do not want them to put their wives through what I had to endure. I want better for my children. I want one of my contributions to the Kingdom of God to be the boys I raise. My prayer is that God will protect them. That God will blind their eyes to this. That God will guard their hearts. That God will give them the boldness to stand up and go against what other boys are doing. My prayer is that they will be the voice for their generation. That they will stand up to any boy that is disrespecting a girl. That kids will look up to them for their strength, morals and values. That they understand how porn can destroy their lives and the lives of the ones they love.
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After your season of suffering, God in all His grace will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10