My Story of a Broken Marriage and how the Lord Redeems

“Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.  Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.  Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.  Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.  Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced.”  Psalm 105:1-5

God will redeem your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past so it doesn’t become their future.  The scripture is very clear, we are to tell it to all.  God is an amazing God who loves us even though we fail him daily.  He loves us enough to forgive and forget our mistakes and is the only one who is able to redeem us from our past.For years, I have been ashamed of my story.  I would only tell it to the women I felt it would help.  Women who were dealing with the same things that God saved me from.  I wanted to be there to offer hope and be the light in their time of darkness.

My story isn’t easy for me to tell, but it is necessary. So here goes nothing..

I was married really young, just turning twenty. From the beginning of our relationship, I noticed that he would look at pornography often. Over the years, it got to the point where he would look at it for hours at a time and he was no longer hiding it from me. He was looking at pornography instead of me.  Most nights, he wouldn’t even come to bed. He would only come to bed after I was up to getting ready for work the next day. After ten years of marriage, he told me he wanted a divorce. As a last resort, I suggested we go to counseling. We went to the pastor that married us ten years prior and talked about our issues. My only issue in our marriage was his pornography addiction. That’s when the pastor asked him if he would give it up to save our marriage. His response was simply, “no.” The pastor then asked, “why?” He leaned forward looking the pastor in his eyes and said, “because I like it.” That was such a profound moment for me.  He basically just gave up his marriage and family for his addiction to pornography.  That was the first time I realized I deserved more and that I would no longer fight for my marriage and say goodbye.

From that moment, my journey was hard!  But, at the same time, life changing. It was a month before my 30th birthday, and now I was a single mom of two young boys. At the end of the day, he wanted a divorce because of another woman-who is now his wife.  I had never been alone before.  For so long I had depended on my spouse. I didn’t know what I was going to do or how I would survive.  I didn’t know who I was anymore.  I completely lost myself during those twelve years we were together.  I was a prisoner in my own home.  It came to the point where I wouldn’t leave him home alone because I knew he would head straight for the computer.  If that happened, I knew how the day/night would end.  I felt by doing this, I was protecting my heart from breaking more and keeping his eyes off of that garbage!  I couldn’t even answer the “what do you like to do for fun” question.  I only knew how to be a wife and a mother. That’s when I learned to lean on God heavily because I knew he would be the only one who could bring me complete healing. Not only for the grief I had for the loss of my marriage, but for the loss of my hopes and dreams for the future. I was a complete mess and didn’t even know it.  For years I had been told that I was weak.  That I would never be able to make it on my own.  So began the hard work.  It was going to take a miracle to redeem me from my past.

I needed to be healed from the years of verbal and mental abuse. I also needed healing with the infidelity aspect. I felt rejected and betrayed. Because of the years of his pornography addiction, I had little to no self-esteem. I felt unworthy of love.  I felt unworthy of a better future. I felt that no one would ever love me again. Especially, because I was a single mother.  For the first time, I saw just how unhealthy my marriage was and how beat down and broken I had become.

God slowly began to work on me. He showed me things. He corrected me and picked me back up when I failed. He was always with me. I felt God all of the time. He was there-walking me through the heartaches. It seemed like every time I turned around, there was another fire I had to walk through. I honestly don’t think I would have come out of the other side had it not been for my God. He gave me the strength I needed to endure years of trials after the divorce. He gave me strength for my boys. He gave me words so that I always spoke with grace. He gave me the ability to fight evil with good and to love even when it wasn’t deserved. I was different, and I knew it. I could feel his presence around me as he began shaping and molding me to be more like him. I slowly began to feel stronger and stronger. The Lord was with me, giving me the wisdom I needed along the way. He was directing every step I took. In the moments when I lost control of my emotions or thoughts, I looked up and then dove straight into the word. For it was the only thing that made me feel better.

When it came to dating, I started to pray for God to keep my heart in his safekeeping. I wanted him to only give me my heart again when the right man came along. I prayed when he did come into my life that I would physically feel it-that I would just know.  I went on a lot of first dates! But, with every single one of them I knew immediately that it wasn’t right. Now, that also meant that I would have to endure many lonely days and nights. No one was there to ask how my day was at the end of the night or to just comfort me when I had a hard day. That’s when God showed me that I had to learn to be okay by myself. I had to learn to talk to him daily about everything no matter how big or small. I needed to rely on, and trust in him. He needed me to realize that he loves me and that was enough for this season of my life.

Fast forward three years post-divorce and I meet Adam. We started to email each other the end of June. Our first date was the first week in July, engaged August 2nd and married that year in November. It was a whirl wind, for sure. It all happened so fast. But, when Adam grabbed my hand to hold

for the first time I felt it! The only way I can explain it was this surge of electricity flowed from our hands straight for my heart. I knew at that moment God gave me my heart back! For the three years while I was single, I thought I had lost the ability to feel love or to be able to receive love from anyone. I thought that my heart had grown hard in that area. I now realize, that God was totally doing what I had asked for in prayer. He was holding  my heart only to give it back when it was right. In His timing.  Finally, for the first time, I was able to feel love and be able to love again. God really did have my heart all along. He was protecting it and saving it for Adam. He really was listening to my prayers. And..he had his hand in our meeting. He ordained Adam to be my spouse and I just new it.

 Today, I have been redeemed from my past. I am so thankful for the walk I was on. I am thankful for every trial, every fire I had to walk through, every tear and every moment I felt alone. It made my relationship with God so much stronger and has molded me into the woman I am today. God has healed me and blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. My pain has now become my purpose in life.  Today, my passion in life are those women who are dealing with infidelity, dealing with abuse, dealing with a spouse that has a pornography addiction.  I want to be able to help an endless amount of women.  But, if my story only ends up helping just one, it’ll be worth all the years of struggle I had to endure.