Infertility: A Mommy's Telling of the Difficulties

Here we go again.  I just started another round of fertility drugs.  I have to rely on modern medicine to “help” us out.  Everything is calculated by the day and I have to follow this strict regimen just to conceive our first child. It turns the once carefree days of trying to conceive to being robotic.  I know many couples struggle with the issue, but I never thought I would be in that group of people.  After all, I have two boys already.  How could I all of a sudden be having issues?  I am the reason we are having fertility troubles.  I was diagnosed with PCOS a year ago.  No woman wants to hear that her chances of conceiving a child on her own is almost impossible.  I feel less of a woman because of this.  I feel like I fail my husband every month when the pregnancy test comes back negative.  I know he loves me, and will love me with or without a child of our own.  It is just plain hard on me. I want nothing more to be able to give Adam the gift of having his own child.  I want him to be able to experience it all.  It truly is such an amazing thing to hold your child for the first time.  

Adam and I did conceive a year ago, with the help of fertility drugs.  From the beginning, my doctor suspected something was wrong.  We clung to hope and prayer during that time.  We were able to see our child’s tiny heart beating when we were told it likely wouldn’t be there.  Looking back at that moment, even in the midst of all my uncertainty, I cling to that image to this day.  It is the only picture I have of our child.  It’s a beautiful memory.  That moment stands still in my heart.  That baby was a miracle.  That baby was our child.  I think that makes it easier for me, at least, to have that one memory of our baby.  I know that our child is with our heavenly father now.  What better place to be, right?  As much as it hurts, I feel incredibly blessed to be that child’s mother.  I feel so blessed that I was able to carry that child in my womb for the ten weeks that I did. The bond a mother has with her child starts immediately and lasts a lifetime.  Something I will always be thankful for.  

God is always perfect with His timing.  God is an amazing God.  He promises in Psalm 113:9, ” He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.  Praise the Lord!”  I’m clinging to my faith.  I’m clinging because I know that God is always faithful.  God gives us hope.  God gives us grace.  God simply loves us like no other.  I pray without ceasing for my little family.  I pray and am full of hope because of the story of Hannah.  In 1 Samuel 1:27 it says, ” I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.”  The Lord did give Adam and I a child.  For that, we are incredibly blessed.  My prayer is for another miracle. My prayer is to be able to give Adam a child of his own.  I know Adam would be an amazing father by the way he is with my boys.  He is the perfect stepfather, the perfect spiritual leader, the perfect role model.  If it’s not in His plan to give us a child, my prayer is for the grace to get us through that tough reality.  Either way, I will always keep my faith.  I will always love God.  I will always be thankful for the blessings that we already have been given. 

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