It's almost been a month since starting another round of fertility drugs. I'm on the last of the three medications I have to take to complete the cycle. At this point, it's just a waiting game. This is the part I hate the most. The waiting is brutal. In about eleven days, we will find out if the fertility drugs helped us conceive. I'm trying not to read into every little "symptom" my body presents. But, it is really hard not too. Because of the PCOS, my hormones are naturally off. So it makes reading my body a little hard. I don't want to even think about any of this until it is time to take a pregnancy test. I say I don't want to think about it all, but in reality, it's all I think about. My mind never shuts off. It's constantly thinking. I try to keep myself busy, but every decision I make at this point revolves around the "what if" I'm pregnant thought. Am I working out too hard? Should I have that cup of coffee? Should I listen to my body and take a short nap? Should I not lift this because it is heavy? There are so many "should I" questions that it is exhausting!
The reality of infertility can be overwhelming at times. Some days are harder than others. But one thing I do know, I'm blessed regardless of my struggles. Infertility will not defeat me. Infertility will not ruin my today. Infertility will not steal my joy or snuff out my light. Not ever. Infertility is just another season where I am being refined. Just like all my other seasons, this too shall pass. My God is walking down this road with me. That I'm certain of.
Today, I am resting on the promises of God. I know He is faithful and if it's His will, He will provide. I would be lying if I say I never doubted, because I do. Almost daily at this point. When those thoughts come creeping in, I immediately recite God's promises in my head and forget about the negative thoughts. Some days are harder than others. Today, is a hard day. So, I'm praying for grace today. Grace, so that no matter what the outcome is this month, it will get me through.