Fizzled Away
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12
This very verse has helped get me through some very tough times in my life. And here recently, it isn't any different. The only difference now is, it is becoming harder and harder for me to be and do the things it is telling me. I know that we all go through ups and downs in life, and I'm no different. This is a tough season for me and, well, I am struggling a bit. This post is raw and real; it's what I am feeling at this moment in time. I know I am not alone in this battle and I also know that I am not alone with the struggles and feelings that come with infertility.
Be joyful in hope. To be joyful in hope seems easy enough, right? But, a lot of the time, it's incredibly difficult. I can remember two years ago, at the beginning of our infertility struggle being filled with so much hope. I was sure the medications would work for us-I had no doubt in my mind. But, after our miscarriage, time went on with no luck. I've been watching my hope and dream of becoming a mommy again slowly fade away. Just like my infertility struggles, we all go into a situation full of hope for the outcome we want. We are excited almost about what the future would be like. When we hope in something, most of the time, it's a difficult situation we are trying to get a positive result in or we are hoping for a certain outcome. There are always so many emotions involved. And, honestly, it's really hard for me to be hopeful in every situation. I don't know about you, but, I get tired. I get discouraged. I start to doubt; especially if a lot of time has gone by and I don't see or feel any real progress. I feel as if I have lost any little bit of hope I had when it comes to having another child. It is difficult to stay hopeful and positive when you encounter so many obstacles just to try to conceive. After a while, it starts to wear on you. You feel broken. The hope that was once there for me two years ago has slowly begun to fade away. I fear now that it has fizzled out completely for me. And with that hope fizzling out, so does my dream of becoming a mommy again.
To be patient in affliction. God wants us to be patient in affliction? But for how long? How long are we supposed to be patient in our suffering? I mean, I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of trials. I'm just plain tired. Since finding out two years ago that I have PCOS, I would have never imagined how infertility would impact me, my faith or my marriage. Looking back to the beginning of our journey, I had so much hope. But, the last couple years have been hell. The ups and downs, the medications, the side effects. The affliction is why my hope has been worn down. The affliction is more than I want to deal with right now. I'm just tired of this pain. I'm tired of having this void in my life and the aching in my heart for another child. When will this season of affliction come to an end? The bible tells us to be patient especially during these times. But, what if you are at a point where you have no patience to carry you? What if you are at a point where you feel like you've tried, but it isn't meant to be?
To be faithful in prayer is the only part of the verse I feel like I have a great grasp on. I talk to God all day long. But, I'm sure by now, He is tired of hearing from me. Tired of hearing my cries. Tired of hearing me ask why or will I ever have another child. I talk to Him about everything, no matter how big or small. There are those times though, where I don't feel God moving in my life anymore, or I don't feel as if He is listening. There are those moments where I feel as if I am silently suffering alone. There are even those times where I feel like He doesn't care that my hope and my patience and my dreams are fading away with each passing day. They are all slipping right through my fingertips. It would be easy for me to tell myself to keep pushing forward. I need to find a way to somehow keep my faith and hope alive for this dream. I need to not be discouraged but instead be joyful and patient and faithful during this season. I need remember to praise Him through this and continue to thank Him daily for the blessings that are already in my life. But how does one do all of that when they don't know how to keep their own faith and hope alive anymore? I saw something by Joel Osteen the other day and it really spoke to me and what I have been feeling. It said, "Your faith can cause your child to accomplish their dreams, your faith can cause that friend to get well, your faith can be what God uses to push that coworker into their destiny. There are times in life when we have to carry someone because they don't have the faith on their own". That's where I am at right now. For the first time, I don't know how to carry my hope and faith on my own anymore. I have nothing left inside to push myself forward. It's all fizzled away.
This very verse has helped get me through some very tough times in my life. And here recently, it isn't any different. The only difference now is, it is becoming harder and harder for me to be and do the things it is telling me. I know that we all go through ups and downs in life, and I'm no different. This is a tough season for me and, well, I am struggling a bit. This post is raw and real; it's what I am feeling at this moment in time. I know I am not alone in this battle and I also know that I am not alone with the struggles and feelings that come with infertility.
To be patient in affliction. God wants us to be patient in affliction? But for how long? How long are we supposed to be patient in our suffering? I mean, I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of trials. I'm just plain tired. Since finding out two years ago that I have PCOS, I would have never imagined how infertility would impact me, my faith or my marriage. Looking back to the beginning of our journey, I had so much hope. But, the last couple years have been hell. The ups and downs, the medications, the side effects. The affliction is why my hope has been worn down. The affliction is more than I want to deal with right now. I'm just tired of this pain. I'm tired of having this void in my life and the aching in my heart for another child. When will this season of affliction come to an end? The bible tells us to be patient especially during these times. But, what if you are at a point where you have no patience to carry you? What if you are at a point where you feel like you've tried, but it isn't meant to be?
To be faithful in prayer is the only part of the verse I feel like I have a great grasp on. I talk to God all day long. But, I'm sure by now, He is tired of hearing from me. Tired of hearing my cries. Tired of hearing me ask why or will I ever have another child. I talk to Him about everything, no matter how big or small. There are those times though, where I don't feel God moving in my life anymore, or I don't feel as if He is listening. There are those moments where I feel as if I am silently suffering alone. There are even those times where I feel like He doesn't care that my hope and my patience and my dreams are fading away with each passing day. They are all slipping right through my fingertips. It would be easy for me to tell myself to keep pushing forward. I need to find a way to somehow keep my faith and hope alive for this dream. I need to not be discouraged but instead be joyful and patient and faithful during this season. I need remember to praise Him through this and continue to thank Him daily for the blessings that are already in my life. But how does one do all of that when they don't know how to keep their own faith and hope alive anymore? I saw something by Joel Osteen the other day and it really spoke to me and what I have been feeling. It said, "Your faith can cause your child to accomplish their dreams, your faith can cause that friend to get well, your faith can be what God uses to push that coworker into their destiny. There are times in life when we have to carry someone because they don't have the faith on their own". That's where I am at right now. For the first time, I don't know how to carry my hope and faith on my own anymore. I have nothing left inside to push myself forward. It's all fizzled away.