Those Moments


This is month two of being off of the fertility meds.  It really has been hard for me.  Hard in the sense that I am giving up the control.  I know I heard in my spirit in early July that I wasn't supposed to be on meds any longer.  I wasn't ready to listen to that still small voice though.  I wasn't ready to give up that control.  In those moments, the desires of my flesh were more important than what I knew to be true in my spirit.  I went against what I knew I was supposed to do and continued another two cycles of medication.  In those two cycles, the first cycle did not work.  Instead I had crazy side effects and pain.  I thought it was a one time thing so went against that nudge again and did another cycle.  This time, the meds did their job, I ovulated, but that came with a great deal of pain and side effects and no baby.    


I know that without being on them, my chances of conceiving naturally are slim to none because of the PCOS.  But, because of the side effects, and the toll it takes on me physically and emotionally, I couldn't continue with it.  The constant ups and downs are just too much to bear anymore.  I needed a break.  I need a break from it all.  I know that we are not supposed to go down that particular road any longer; the medication road that is.  But, I am unclear with what road to take from here.  Maybe our family will be different.  Maybe God will lead us to adopt.  Or, maybe, God is testing my faith in Him.  In His ability to work in my life.  To make my dream of motherhood come true again.  At times, I find myself questioning it all though.  

 I find myself wavering at times on what God is doing; what He has planned for Adam and myself.  What He has planned for our family.  In this instance, the not knowing is always on my mind.  I try not to let it overtake my thoughts, but every time I see an announcement it knocks me down a bit.  It eats away at my faith; at my hope, at my dream.  Becoming a mommy again is my deepest hearts desire.  It's the one thing I want the most and yet it is so far out of my reach.  At times, I am really strong.  My faith is too.  But there are those moments, like today, where I feel completely defeated by it all.  There are those moments where I feel like it will never happen for us.  There are those moments where I feel like I should just throw away that dream because it isn't in the cards for us.  

 As much as I feel like quitting right now, I know deep down inside that I can't.  I won't allow myself to throw away this dream- I'm too stubborn for that.  Even though my faith is shaken today, doesn't change the fact that I know my God loves me and has an amazing plan for our family.  What ever that plan looks like, I will be okay with the outcome.  I will be okay with the uncertainty.  I will be okay with it all because greater is He who lives in me.  I know that my God is bigger than any problem or circumstance I am facing.   After all, my God is the one who gives life.  My God is the one who gives hope.  My God is the one who restores the broken hearted.  My God is bigger.  

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