Grain of Sand

When I look back over the past three years, there are so many emotions.  I am happy and sad and hopeful and amazed and thankful for all we have been through.  My mind takes me to the baby Adam and I conceived on our second round of fertility meds.  The baby we lost ten weeks later.  The road of infertility is a hard road to travel.  It’s not one I ever expected to personally journey down-but here I am, three years into this roller coaster.  I am left  wondering, when will the ride be over?  How much longer do I have to hang on?  

In all times, we turn to our faith.  But in times of trial and heartache, we have learned that the only way to walk a tough road is with our Heavenly Father’s help. I don’t understand why this is happening to us, and I don’t need to.  But what I do understand is that God has already walked this road ahead of us.  God has this and is holding us in the palm of His mighty hands.  He helps us cope, He gives us the strength we need to continue when we are so weary our legs give out.  It hasn’t been easy for me.  I feel less of a woman since being diagnosed with PCOS.  I feel as if I am letting my husband down every month when my cycle comes. It’s a constant struggle with the enemy who wants to keep me in a place of disappointment and failure. So my faith tends to waver back and forth.  It wavers but always finds it’s way back to where it should be within me.

There are days when I feel like I can’t take another minute of it.  There are days when I have no hope left inside to keep on fighting.  The reality is, no matter what the future holds, we will be okay.  We will continue to keep our hope and faith alive no matter what His plan is for us.  We will continue to praise Him in the midst of this storm and any others we are sure to face.  And like all storms, this too shall pass.  One day, we will be able to look back at this storm and see how we weathered it together.  We will be able to see how God was present at every twist and turn.  We will be able to see how beautiful this season was and be able to smile at the very thought of it.  

 I know my chances of conceiving naturally are small.  But that mountain is but a grain of sand next to the power of God.  His word says you only need a mustard seed size amount of faith. So that’s the truth I have tucked away inside my heart. With Him ALL things are possible. And I will be thankful always.

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