In the midst of my pain tonight, I wanted to share in hopes of maybe helping one person out there. And in order to do that, I need to be raw and vulnerable and talk about life for me right now, today, and what brokenness I am walking through. I always write about my faith and how I got through difficult times; but tonight, I need you to see that I walk through valleys too. I'm not always on the other side of a difficult situation. I need you to see and understand that I struggle just like everyone else does and sometimes it takes a while to get it right.
The brokenness is running deep these days. I didn't think it was possible for my heart to feel pain like this, but for the last seven months, a child custody battle has just about broken me. As of late, it has zapped my energy, my sleep, my appetite and my joy. This wave of grief has swept over my head and it is barely letting me come up for a breath of air. I can't even begin to describe the pain I feel inside; how my heart has been shattered into a million pieces, stepped on and kicked around, so that it will never be put back together again. But I know, that God's love gets in the deepest through all the cracks and holes put there by pain. God's love is able to reach down and start to weave the brokenness of your heart back together piece by piece; not to put it back together like it once was, but to create in you a new heart. A heart that will better love those who are hurting. A heart that will seek out to comfort those overcome by grief. A heart to carry out His will and be His hands and feet for those who need to experience His love in a tangible way.
There are a million thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis. Some too painful to even entertain, but somehow those are the ones that always want to play over and over again. I try to cast down those lies as soon as they present themselves in my thoughts, but even that seems to be too difficult for me to do these days. There are days that I keep myself busy just so I don't have time to think. That if I do chore after chore, not allowing myself to rest, then maybe for just a moment I can escape my painful reality. I suppose I have always known this was going to happen; I just always tend to give people the benefit of the doubt; to always hope for the best so to speak. But here I am, going through this intrusive process that will put the future of our family in the hands of someone who doesn't know us. And that's a scary thought.
If I could speak with a humble heart to my former spouse I would say: Please don't do this. Please stop the custody battle from going any further. Please don't hurt me anymore. Please forgive me for any pain I may have caused you in the past and any pain I may unknowingly cause you in the future. We've all made mistakes and haven't always gotten it right. Not only in our family life, but in careers too. I'm not angry with you or hate you for this. I ask, with a humble heart for you to forgive me and put an end to all of this. Our mistakes and failures are what change us. They are what make us who we are. The beauty of those mistakes make us better people because they teach us the power of forgiveness first hand.
I know that God is doing something inside of me through this and the take away is going to be used for His glory. This will not be the hardest thing I have to walk through, even though it feels like it now, there will be something else down the road that will be ten times harder than this is. This is a season where God is growing me. God is pruning off the dead branches in order to make room for new growth. If I have learned anything from my walk so far it's this: The pruning is always painful, but the reward or new growth that comes afterwards is always so beautiful.
There are a million thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis. Some too painful to even entertain, but somehow those are the ones that always want to play over and over again. I try to cast down those lies as soon as they present themselves in my thoughts, but even that seems to be too difficult for me to do these days. There are days that I keep myself busy just so I don't have time to think. That if I do chore after chore, not allowing myself to rest, then maybe for just a moment I can escape my painful reality. I suppose I have always known this was going to happen; I just always tend to give people the benefit of the doubt; to always hope for the best so to speak. But here I am, going through this intrusive process that will put the future of our family in the hands of someone who doesn't know us. And that's a scary thought.If I could speak with a humble heart to my former spouse I would say: Please don't do this. Please stop the custody battle from going any further. Please don't hurt me anymore. Please forgive me for any pain I may have caused you in the past and any pain I may unknowingly cause you in the future. We've all made mistakes and haven't always gotten it right. Not only in our family life, but in careers too. I'm not angry with you or hate you for this. I ask, with a humble heart for you to forgive me and put an end to all of this. Our mistakes and failures are what change us. They are what make us who we are. The beauty of those mistakes make us better people because they teach us the power of forgiveness first hand.
I know that God is doing something inside of me through this and the take away is going to be used for His glory. This will not be the hardest thing I have to walk through, even though it feels like it now, there will be something else down the road that will be ten times harder than this is. This is a season where God is growing me. God is pruning off the dead branches in order to make room for new growth. If I have learned anything from my walk so far it's this: The pruning is always painful, but the reward or new growth that comes afterwards is always so beautiful.