A Defining Moment in Time

Our lives are made up of so many defining moments.  Defining moments in life give us hope.  They give us peace.  They give us closer.  They give us dreams.  I can remember one very special defining moment from back in January of 2013.  That moment lives and breathes inside my heart still today.  You see, after I divorced, I had no desire to marry again let alone have any more children.  I felt complete and whole with the two boys God blessed me with already.  I was content with it being just the three of us forever as far as I was concerned.
  
But God had other plans for me.  God planted a seed inside of my heart and all of a sudden, I longed for more children.  I longed to be someone's wife.  All of a sudden, I felt this empty space in my heart.  I felt incomplete in a way I couldn't describe or even understand.  My heart literally changed in an instant.  Without a thought or something specific happening to drive a desire for more children, it just changed.  I didn't understand it at the time, but now looking back, it makes perfect sense.  I didn't understand why God would place this on my heart if I didn't have a husband.  But little did I know, I would meet him five months later.  Little did I know he would share the same desire-the same dreams of more children as me.  Little did I know, God was changing my heart for my future husband.  It's funny how it all works out, you know?        

 I haven't exactly been silent about our struggles with infertility.  That's what makes this desire to have more children so hard for me.  I question God a lot.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.  My faith waivers back and forth more often than it should.  My mind wanders to the what ifs and negative thoughts?  But my heart, my heart can see a child.  My heart never waivers when it comes to seeing her.  My heart never waivers when it comes to whether or not a seed was ever planted in the first place-that I am certain of.  I shouldn't need to know the whys-just that God planted a seed that January night for a reason.  Who am I to question Him now?  Who am I to question the road Adam and I have to journey down in order to grow our little family?  Who am I to question God's timing or His reason behind the way it will happen?  

 Whenever I seek God on whether we should look into IVF, I get the same answer over and over.  And it's always-in My timing, something new will be born, My way.  It's very clear, especially after today that God has this.  God has me in the palm of His hands.  I have been so stubborn when it comes to  asking for some sort of answer to the same question over and over again.  God always speaks, but it's one of those things where I needed to hear the answer multiple times to really 'hear' Him.

 I just need my head to get in line with my heart when it comes to this.  Our thoughts are so powerful and can throw us off track so quickly.  I've allowed the enemy to speak disappointment and doubt into my thoughts.  I don't know how many more days we will have to wait for our child; but the certainty that lives inside my heart will serve as a constant reminder that God indeed planted a seed.

Popular posts from this blog

Thank You, God, for Making Me a Mom

Looking back on my life, when I was just a small girl, I dreamt of becoming a mother one day. Being a mom was the only thing I wanted to be when I grew up.  I didn't have aspirations to be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher.  I simply wanted to be a mom.  So today, I am so thankful to my God.  He is the one who allowed my childhood dream of motherhood to come true. I am truly humbled that he picked me to be Cody and Owen's mommy. I come from a lineage of women who set the perfect example of what it is to be a great mom. The love of a mother is endless, as my mom, continues to show me even as I am an adult and have children of my own.   Today is the day we celebrate our moms and all of their hard work.  To show our appreciation to the one who has cared for us and loved us from day one.  As I celebrate my mother and all she continues to do, I am also reflecting upon my God.  What a mighty God we serve.  It's because of His blessin...
Read more

Joy in the Face Of

Living with joy in the face of… I didn’t just wake up with joy one day.  I couldn’t feel it and I didn’t want it.  All I wanted was what my heart wanted and that’s all I could see.  The truth is, living with joy in the face of seems almost impossible, right; at least when you’re in the thick of it.  That is what I thought when this parental alienation started.  When I went from being able to speak to my children and hold them in my arms to nothing, I thought this was what would break me and snuff out my light.   But here I am, twenty-one months later, and I’m living with joy in the face of.  What I didn’t know in the beginning of it all was that the pain I felt combined with the joy I would soon allow to consume me, would work together in a way that even I can’t fathom just yet.  The two, would catapult my faith to a place it needed to go in order to see a perspective I couldn’t yet see.   The pain and joy working together trans...
Read more
Reflection—I’ve been on a journey through it lately.  Of moments gone, of things I wish I would have; of wondering how despite the… Reflection always teaches me something about life.  It teaches me something I may have overlooked or maybe refused to acknowledge in the face of.  It helps me to see things in a way I need to in order to clearly see. Reflecting has a funny way of showing me what is when what I’m looking at is upside down and maybe a little blurry.  Almost always pointing back to the direction of my thinking in the face of, and what I can change for what’s to come.   I’m thankful for what a little reflection can do for me.  Taking the blurry parts and making them crystal clear.  God always shows up in moments I least expect—but in moments when He knows I’ll hear him the loudest.  It’s in the middle of all the blurry parts of life, I need a little perspective.  And today, it took the dead of winter and an ice storm to ...
Read more