Beauty for Ashes

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.  With him at my right hand I will not be shaken.  Psalm 16:8 Getting through a tough time is a difficult task sometimes.  Especially, when you are trying to get through completely on your own.  Why go through a trial alone when God is willing to walk right beside you?  He is willing to carry ALL of your burdens. I've tried walking through fire without God.  And I'll be the first to say that was a stupid choice.  Once I learned to depend on God, my life changed drastically!   When we are in the middle of a hard time, it's so easy to allow it to consume us. Our thoughts kick in and our minds take over.  That's never a good thing.  It's when we take our eyes off of Him we sink.  Just like Peter did when he walked on water.  For years, this verse was written on my bathroom mirror.  It was the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw before I went to sleep.  It ...

Us mommies put so much pressure on ourselves to get it all right.  We get this idea in our head that if we make a mistake, we are the worst mom because of it.  When we feel beat down about ourselves or our confidence has been shaken, we start to compare ourselves to other moms.  Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? Why do we compare ourselves to others? I can remember when my oldest son was born I was working at a gym.  On a daily basis, I saw and heard people constantly comparing themselves to others.  Especially, the ladies.  I can remember by the time I left the hospital, I had already put all these expectations on myself.  Before I even aloud myself to recover, I was comparing myself to the women that had just had babies.  Instead of just soaking up the blessings of being a first time mommy, my mind was distracted with how fast I needed to lose the extra weight-to be like them.  I was comparing myself to these other moms. ...

Looking back at my past, I can recall more bad things than good.  I was many things in that marriage.  But the thing I remember most was how alone I felt.  I was reminded of that when I found this picture of the three of us.  It was taken a month before my former spouse walked away.   After my divorce, I was asked once by my counselor, "when you were married, if God was to pull the roof off of your home and look inside at your family, what would He see?"  Such a profound question. I sat there for what seemed like eternity before I spoke.  That question had me stumped.  I couldn't think of anything to say.  When I thought of my family during that time, I only saw three of us, never four.  The only image of my family and home life I could see was one of the boys and myself sitting around our kitchen table.  Those were some of my most treasured times with the boys.  My former spouse rarely was home to eat with us and when he...

The perspective of a child is so pure.  Their excitement for God is a breath of fresh air.  It's so amazing to be able to re-live the newness and excitement through the eyes and heart of your children.  As a believer, I know the newness of it all can fade the longer we follow Him.  At times, we find ourselves just going through the motions.  I don't know about you, but, I don't want to just go through the motions.  I want to always live with that excitement for God like a new believer does. The question, "what is God to you?" was asked at camp last week.  Cody said some were saying, "God is peace and God is love, He is hope."  I then asked, "what is God to you?"  He said, " mom, He is EVERYTHING.  We could only write down one word, so I wrote down everything.  Because He is peace and He is love and so much more.  He isn't just one or the other.  He is all of it." Wow.  He is so right-God is everything.  I...

June.  It used to be a month that I dreaded.  Dreaded because it was a reminder of when my former marriage came to an end.  Secretly, every June that rolled around, I tried to pretend it was just another month.  I tried not to reflect on that difficult time in my life.  But sometimes, it was impossible.  My mind just went there.  Every June that came, I thought to myself, "you made it another year, Kelli".  That was then. This is now.  On my third June being single, you came into my life.  Literally, the same week that my former marriage ended.  How ironic.  God timed our meeting perfectly as if He intentionally was replacing the old June memories with new ones.  Ones filled with you.  Since you came into my life, I have never looked back at the then.  I don't recall sad, dark memories anymore.  They have all been replaced with love and joy and thankfulness-for you.  I think of how perfectly God plann...

John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."  I'm so grateful for the path I had to walk down.  Without it, I wouldn't have found my strength. I knew early on in my journey that one day I would be used for the Kingdom because of my story.  I knew that I was going through all these trials to help women like me one day.  I didn't know what that consisted of or how that looked.  I didn't know when that time would come.  I just knew God would bring me through each trial a little stronger.  A little more refined.  A little more bold.  God was preparing me to be able to tell the world my story.  He was preparing me to love people in a way that I didn't know was possible. Through my blog I am determined to share my testimony with as many people as I can.  Believe me-I was ter...

Today is Father's Day! A day to honor the first man I ever loved.  A day to reminisce over all the daddy/daughter moments, the laughter, and ALL of the goofiness.  When I think back to my childhood, I'd say my sister and I were pretty lucky to be blessed with a dad like ours.  Thank you for loving me so much.  Happy Father's Day, dad! I celebrate and honor you today and everyday.  I love you! -Kelli             

Little one. It's Mommy. I loved you from the moment I learned I was carrying you. Even though the outside couldn't tell you were growing inside me, I could feel you. I was able to get a glimpse of your tiny heart beating when the odds were stacked against you. You were very tiny but also very tough. you hung on for as long as you could. Little one. I won't be able to see you in this life. I won't be able to watch you grow up. You are now with our Heavenly Father. He loves you like we do. Little one. I miss you. I love you. -Mommy It is so hard to believe that I wrote this note a year ago.  For some reason today, I feel led to write about this time of my life.  This note and the memories have been on my heart all day.  I don't know if someone out there needs to hear my experience.  Or to know they are not alone in their pain and grief.  Or, if it is simply God taking me back to this day/night because I ran away from all the emotions a year ago. ...

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20 God didn't promise this life would be easy.  And sometimes, our circumstances prove that.  I can remember thinking after my divorce, "why am I here? Why am I in this situation?"  I even questioned whether or not God loved me.  I thought, "surely if He loves me, my life wouldn't be crumbling in front of my eyes."  Boy was I wrong to allow myself to think that way.  When we are in the middle of a bad situation, it's important to always keep our eyes on God.  I know how easy it is to allow a bad situation to consume you.  It's important to remember that He loves you even though your life may be crumbling in front of your eyes.  Just like the verse says, "you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good".   Take heart in knowing that God works for the greater good for all of us.  He walks with...

I'm not sure who this is meant for.  But I pray it finds you.  I pray you seek God for rest.  Let Him be your hiding place-your place of refuge.  He will not leave you alone during this storm.  He will protect you.  Keep your hope alive.  Don't ever lose it.  Not even for a minute.  And no matter how rocky the ship gets, don't take your eyes off of Him.   (Psalm 16:8) The wind is blowing and the sea is raging.  Crash after crash, the waves are trying to knock me over.  They are relentless in trying to drown me.  The winds are blowing so hard it is preventing me from walking in faith forward.  This storm is beating against me.  It's trying to stop me.  It's trying to keep me feeling defeated-like I will never get through to calmer conditions. No matter how hard the wind blows or how high the waves get, I will still praise you through this raging storm.  Even though it hurts like hell. I praise...

Since starting this blog, I've opened up in ways I didn't know I could.  I originally started to write to get my entire testimony out there.  It turns out that it is also therapeutic for me.  With every post I write, it sets me free. But sometimes, I hear God telling me to sit and write.  When I feel His nudge, I know that someone out there needs to hear what God needs to say.  If I don't sit down right away, He keeps nudging me until I do.  When this happens, I have no clue what I'm supposed to write about.  The moments my fingers touch the keys it pours out of me.  The feeling is indescribable.  God literally gives me the words. The last two days, I've been hearing God say to write about a specific thing-bitterness.  Mainly, because it's a word meant for me.  It's something that He wants me to hear-to write. You see, I am guilty of allowing bitterness to make a home deep inside my heart.  I didn't realize it until recen...

Walking down this road of sharing my testimony was something four years in the making.  I knew one day I would have to choose to be courageous and just do it.  I would have to push all the fears of what people would think or what they will say or how they would look at me to the side.  I was always afraid of letting the world know just how I had suffered.  I was afraid of being transparent in order to be able to explain my story in a way that people could relate too.  In a real and frank way.  I was afraid because no one talks about pornography or infidelity, really.  It has come to a point where it is just accepted and that's not okay.  I'm not afraid of any of those things now.  I'm boldly and courageously standing up to be the voice someone needs to hear.  If that means I'll have a target on my back, so be it.  I know that there are women who are suffering out there.  Women who are afraid to have a voice.  Women who hav...

When Cody came home from camp he was so excited to tell us all about it.  I could feel in his spirit that he was different.  He began telling stories of what some of the kids shared.  He said in those moments, listening to their problems, he realized that his life really wasn't as bad as he once thought.  He realized that there were kids with bigger problems than his own.  He said, "I cried, mom."  Little does he know in that moment, I had to hold back my own tears.   Sometimes, it takes the innocence of a child to remind you of that very simple thing.  When we are in the middle of a storm, that is the last thing we think about.  But Cody is right.  We are so consumed with our problems and ourselves that we forget we may not be as bad off as most.  There are others out there fighting a tougher battle than us.  I instantly planted that realization  inside my heart for safe keeping. We all will have seasons in the va...

I was once in your shoes not too long ago.  I know what it's like to want someone to do life with.  Someone to love you the right way.  I remember all of that.  I know this season is tough for you.  You have been a single mom for many years now and you are growing tired.  Tired of trying to keep up with it all.  Tired of not having someone to talk to at the end of a hard day.  But what if I told you, "God's best is waiting for you?" He is out there.  God will show you one day soon.  Someone who will love you the way you are  supposed to be loved.  He will speak kindly to you.  He will build you up, not tear you down.  He will support you in any decisions you make.  He will laugh with you and cry with you.  He will be there for you always.   But until that time comes, let God fill his shoes.  Talk to God about your day.  About every struggle and decision.  Let God show you how muc...

This week has been great.  We have been able to spend some one on one time with Owen as his brother is away at youth camp in TN.  I have to say, it is a little odd only having one child around the house.  It is eerily too quiet.  I miss the noise and occasional chaos only boys can create. We have a lot of plans this summer to try new things.  We want them to be able to have a lot of new experiences in life.  We want them to try new things.  You never know, they could stumble upon their passion in doing so.  The boys are each going to learn how to play an instrument.  Owen has picked the drums and Cody the guitar.  I can't wait to hear them practice and learn to play.  I know it will be loud, but I welcome the noise.  There is just something about a house full of music that I love.   We figured we would start with a new sport-golf.  The boys have never played real golf, so this will be a first. ...

The usual stress I feel at this point of the fertility drug process has been replaced by such a great peace.  My spirit and emotions are at ease tonight.  It's because I have finally found rest with my Savior.  I finally gave up trying to control the infertility situation.  Sometimes, it is so hard to let go and place it in God's hands.  But once you do, it's such an amazing feeling. The stress and anxiety just subside.  I was letting it consume me day in and day out.  That's not any way to live.  I know that I am going to have more children.  I just have to remember in God's timing, not mine. I have been very open about this season of our lives.  Partly because I feel like if I blog about it, I release all the fear and pain and uncertainty that's on the inside.  But mostly, because I know that I am not alone with the pain and struggles due to infertility.  I know that someone out there understands my turmoil and that ...

With every decision and situation, we should talk to God about it first.  No matter how big or small it may be.  It's always best to seek His will for us first.  But sometimes, after hearing from God, we start to question ourselves.  We question whether we heard Him correctly or if we actually ever did at all.  Especially in the midst of opposition.  Not everyone understands how you can hear from God.  So they may challenge you on why you are doing what you are doing.  At times, we allow them to influence us, especially if they are friends or family.  Your mind then takes over and that's never a good thing.   You hope that after hearing from God and the direction you are to take that the path will be smooth.  But that's not always the case. We are bound to run into a bump or two along the way.  The enemy will never allow the road to be smooth for us.  Especially, when we are walking in God's will. Our God is greater...

My heart is heavy tonight for you, my friend.  I want you to know that you will get through this divorce.  You will overcome.  I will do anything to help you through it.  I will listen when you need to be heard.  I will cry with you when you feel lost.  I will laugh with you on a good day.  And, I will celebrate with you when you overcome. I know you feel like you have no clue what you are doing anymore.  You have so many thoughts and emotions.  There are so many questions that you don't know how to answer.  You feel like you are just stuck in this moment of time.  All you want is for things to be normal again.    What if I told you that you didn't have to do it alone.  You don't have to worry or fear. You don't have to carry this heartache or the burden that comes along with this divorce.  You don't have too.  All you need is a little faith.  Trust God and allow Him to help you through. ...

My Daughter, I know you are struggling. I know you are hurting. I know you can't see a way out of your current situation. I know you are desperate for help. Follow me. Follow me and I will provide everything you need. Follow me and I will guide you along the path to your future. The future I have in store for you. I need you to trust me. I need you to have faith in me. I need you to be ready and willing to follow me when and where I ask. The choice to follow me won't come easy. It is com pletely out of your comfort zone. I know you are a fighter. I know it's hard for you to ask for help. Follow me and you will never be the same. I am watching you struggle. I am listening to your cries. I have been waiting for you to seek me, to ask me for help. I want to carry all of your burdens, your heartaches, your sorrow. In turn, I will give you a peaceful heart. I will give you rest for your weary body. I will turn your sorrow into dancing. You will feel my unconditional love ...

This morning, I felt that nudge from God wanting me to write but had no clue what about.  I sat down and this blog just poured out of me.  I know that this is meant for someone out there.  I know you're in a tough situation.  You're at a crossroad and are unsure of what to do.  God sees you.  He is there.  He loves you.  Remember that always. Marriage is tough.  It's even tougher once you learn your spouse has had an affair.  What do you do?  Do you leave or do you stay and try to work it out?  This question can only be answered by you.  Everyone will give you their advice on what you should do.  But at the end of the day, it's between you and God.  Not you and the world. It is possible to overcome infidelity in a marriage.  It's hard, but very possible.  If I had been given a choice, I don't think I could have stayed in that marriage.  I wouldn't have been strong enough.  I kne...

God, Why is this happening?  How is my marriage over?  What about the kids?  What do I tell them?  How am I going to make it?  What am I supposed to do?  I can't be a single mom.  It's not supposed to be this way.  This can't be the way my life is going to end up.  Will you please fix it all?  Do you hear me?  Hello.  Please answer me.  I need you. I need your help.  I'm drowning. My daughter, Even though you feel like your not, you are loved so much.  I know you are in shock right now.  I hear all of your cries.  All of your prayers and all of your concerns.  Please trust me and my will for your life.  Please don't lose your faith in me.  Please don't allow this season to change our relationship.  Please don't give up on me and what I am doing for you. I am moving mountains on your behalf.  You may not see it now, but you will one day.  I know you are devastated and l...