Beauty for Ashes

So many people are struggling and have lost hope. So many people that don't know or even understand God's love need to hear it.  They need to hear your testimony of how God healed and helped you overcome your pain or trials. They need to hear that God draws near to the brokenhearted and can give you beauty for ashes.  That's why sharing your testimony can be so powerful for those who need to hear it.  For those who may be struggling with the very thing that you overcame, your testimony can be life changing to them.  It took me a long time before I was able to share my story with the world.  Because for a long time, I lived in fear and shame for what happened.  I carried this burden when it wasn't mine to carry. I have been redeemed from a lot of my past, but there is still a portion that hasn't been told.  This part of my story is too painful for me to say out loud.  It's even too painful for me to think about.  I have never uttered a word ...

To this day, how I view myself isn't always the best.  I criticize and talk negatively about myself often.  And I have low self-esteem because of things I've had to walk through.  My sense of worth has been altered by situations and circumstances, that at the time, I had no idea were affecting me the way that they were.  I know that there are others out there who are struggling with things that I had to walk through and who are trying to find their worth in the midst of heartache.  I know how incredibly hard that is-to be hurting so bad all while trying to make sense of it all.  All while trying to find some peace amongst the chaos that is raging around you.  Even though it may not seem like it now, I want you to know that you are worthy of so much.  You are worthy of greatness.  You are worthy of happiness and love. Finding my worth after my former spouse left was incredibly difficult for me.  When you go through something like that, ...

Is your life in turmoil right now?  Are you struggling with an addiction?  Are you right in the middle of a raging storm where you are holding on tight because your boat is about to sink?  Are you lost and searching for answers-for clarity?   When facing a difficult situation or going through a storm, what do you do?  How do you act or react in the face of adversity?  Do you look up for the answers or do you focus on the problem and how you can solve it on your own?  Do you turn your attention to trying to control the situation or do you put your hands in the air and ask God to take over?   I know for me, I struggle with letting go and letting God.  Especially with the infertility.  I find with certain trials, my first thought is to try and control the outcome.  To make it work in my timing and not God's.  Instead of saying, "God, you are bigger than this hardship", I am saying with my actions, "God, you are not capable"...

I haven't written about the struggle of infertility in a long time.  Partly, because I don't want to think about it and all of the pain that goes along with that reality. But, with each passing month, and each passing birthday, it's on my mind more than ever.  I know the risks and statistics involved once you are over thirty-five and well, I'll be thirty-six in July. I know age is just a number and you are only as old as you feel, but, I also know that it makes it even harder to conceive too. No woman wants to hear the 'infertility' word.  But almost three years ago, I did.  I could have never imagined the impact it would have in my life.  The stress, the disappointment, the frustration.  It all comes in waves; some just break at my knees and I'm able to keep going, but then there are the ones that are so big that they knock me down beneath the current.  What I need hasn't been on my radar in a long time as I'm trying to do anything I can to forget...