What I Need

I haven't written about the struggle of infertility in a long time.  Partly, because I don't want to think about it and all of the pain that goes along with that reality. But, with each passing month, and each passing birthday, it's on my mind more than ever.  I know the risks and statistics involved once you are over thirty-five and well, I'll be thirty-six in July. I know age is just a number and you are only as old as you feel, but, I also know that it makes it even harder to conceive too.

No woman wants to hear the 'infertility' word.  But almost three years ago, I did.  I could have never imagined the impact it would have in my life.  The stress, the disappointment, the frustration.  It all comes in waves; some just break at my knees and I'm able to keep going, but then there are the ones that are so big that they knock me down beneath the current.  What I need hasn't been on my radar in a long time as I'm trying to do anything I can to forget about the issue that has my heart in constant turmoil.

I was a little hesitant writing about this today, but then I thought maybe I need to focus on what I need a little more.  Maybe I need to say it out loud or at least write it down.  Today, what I need is to remember what it feels like to be so full of hope and faith in times of trial.  To remember that God has this and all I have to do is look to Him for my strength, for my peace and my joy in difficult times.  What I need is to be so full of joy that when things make me unhappy I won't notice.  I know right now the waves have me knocked down beneath the current.  But any moment, I will put my legs beneath me and push off the ocean floor and rise up-just like I always do.  I will rise up to find exactly what I've needed all along.



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