Beauty for Ashes

I will love you regardless  Of what you do to me. You can yell and shout Or shut me out completely. I will love you regardless Because I choose to forgive. I overlook the hate And see you, instead. I will love you regardless of what you do to me. Because I choose to extend grace In the face of a hard reality. I will love you regardless Because I choose to forgive. The harsh words and rejection That you so freely give. I will love you regardless Because that’s what all mothers do. You are part of my heart No matter what you do.

As I sit at my desk and look out over the city, I can see in the distance a storm is rolling in over the Rocky Mountains.  As I watch, it moves closer and closer, lightning is popping and thunder is crashing.  I can see the clouds breaking open giving way to the rain that is to follow. I can’t help but feel the storm brewing inside of me in this moment.  My heart pounding, and the grief growing too heavy to hold back behind my eyes.  They give way, and allow the tears to stream down my face mirroring the rain streaming down the window.  And in that moment, the breaking of the clouds reminded me that in the breaking of ourselves, so much growth can take place because of the rain.   I try and use this platform, to bring Glory to God and to be vulnerable with the things He is taking me through; because you just never know who needs to hear the words you have to say.  And after all the sharing I’ve done in the past, it still feels awkward and th...

Opposition is pushing against me; trying to break me with harsh words.  They are trying to surround me, locking me in among the thorns.  I don’t belong in the muck, chained down to lies and titles that are thrown on me.  I don’t belong in the tangled web of chaos either.  I refuse to allow the lies to seep in.  I refuse to allow bitterness to loom.  I refuse to bend and change my morals and convictions in order to be loved or worthy.  I refuse to allow them to define who I am because only Christ can do that.     I have to make a decision; to allow the opposition to continue to push me around in the muck or dig in my heels, put on my crown and shove back with the truth that is living and breathing inside of me.  My place is somewhere extravagant; and His plans are always good.  There comes a time in life where you have to let go in order to be free; and that time is now for me.  I’m letting go in order to live.  I’...

I know the reckless love God has for me firsthand.  It’s a love that never fails.  Never leaves me.  It’s a love that isn’t conditional based on my performance or things I may own.  It’s a love so pure and genuine, full of mercy and grace that He freely extends to me each day.  Despite my failures, He always welcomes me in.  He loves me through my mistakes.  Through my heartaches.  Through every moment of my life He is there; wanting to be apart of it.  The door to my heart isn’t alway open for Him.  In fact, the walls I build slam it shut.  But because of His reckless love for me, He waits patiently for me to open the door again.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6 How do I trust in the Lord with all my heart, when all my heart hurts?  How do I get to that place I once was where this was all I had?  The trusting doesn’t come easily for me anymore.  My child-like faith has been sucked up by life and the storms in it.  Causing me to stumble and fall; and blow around in the wind without knowing the direction I’m to go.     I’m sure, with anyone’s walk, they find themselves in a place like this at one time.  Feeling beat up and broken; and not knowing if God is still pleased with them.  I should know how to get back to the place of being able to trust; for God has been there by my side through the worst parts of my life.   Through infidelity, divorce, emotional abuse and the destruction caused by a narcissist; without Him, ...

The light. It speaks to me everyday.  As I sip my morning coffee it greets me.  As I go about my day, it shines through in unexpected ways.  As I walk through my grandma’s house, it stops me in my tracks.  There is something magical about light, and how it makes me feel; a deep appreciation for it’s beauty that at one time went unseen.  I suppose that is why we go through dark times; to allow the beauty of the light to drown it out, so that His light can shine into the mundane and heartbreaking situations that make life, life.   My grandma found me starring at her bathroom window this day.  I asked her if she has ever noticed the light rays and the dust floating in its beauty?  Her response, “I’m glad you appreciate the light”.  She went on to say, “I can’t live in a dark house.”  “I have to have light coming in”.   I suppose she feels the same way I do about it all; the light and dark.  The trials and joys of life....

The line has been drawn in the sand.  And I’m left with the feelings of not knowing what side to stand on.  When freedom is found, the ache and sharpness of yet another wound crawls up from the dark and grabs my attention; begging to be noticed and mended like the others.  I’m left with not knowing how to heal from the wounds of my past.  Not knowing how in the hell I will ever get over those mountains that remain in my way.  I’m left wondering if maybe it’s just too much for one person to overcome.   The truth is, I’m tired.  The motivation and desire to find true freedom from it all has left me.  I’ve journeyed so far over the years, finding freedom from so much already.  But my weariness is starting to set in.  My prayers left unanswered and the feeling that I have been forgotten plays like a broken record in my mind.   I suppose we all reach this point at some time in our lives.  The coming to the end of ourselves ...