Beauty for Ashes

I’m the kind of learner who does best doing.  In other words, give me a book to hold over a tablet.  Give me pen and paper to jot down something I need to remember instead of a keyboard.  Let me walk through some hard shit in order to learn what ever it is I’m supposed to take away from that season.   As cool as it is telling the world about my faith and my God, it also terrifies me at the same time.  I don’t pretend to have it all together; and I know that my knowledge of the Bible and what it says could be better.  My fear of messing it all up kinda makes me freeze and second guess the little I do know.     But what I have walked through, has given me so much more than sitting down thinking I have to memorize the Bible in order to share HIM.  That’s why I write.  That’s why I share my testimony as hard as it may be sometimes.  That’s why I know that by sharing the parts of me doing and the parts of HIM getting me through ...

This is how I want to live life.   Fearless. Fearless in the face of adversity.  Fearless in change; fearless in uncertainty. Fearless in my faith to just jump.  Even if it looks scary and doesn’t make a lick of sense; I just want to be fearless in the fact that I tried.  Fearless in the fact that I could fail and could possibly take the wrong path.  Fearless in the fact that in the failure and in the triumph, remembering that GOD is there in the middle of either.   Life is all about the journey. And somewhere along the way, I allowed the fear to dictate whether I stay put or if I jump at all.  So here is to jumping more; whatever that may look like.  Even if I’m crying making the leap, or yelling, yahoooo on the way down, either way, it’s about taking the leap and trying.  

With the winter months, darkness comes earlier.  The days are shorter and the nights, well, seem like they go on forever.  It’s been an adjustment, for sure, but isn’t that life?  Adjusting to what’s new or what’s happening.  Adjusting to darkness consuming our days, and longing for the light to touch our skin again.  Adjusting to transition or a new life season—it’s an ebb and flow of moving and changing; growing and embracing what is.   But like the chaining seasons, the storms of life and the darkness they bring can also long for something of their own.  The light will always find a way through whatever it is we are facing, that I’m certain of.  Because our God loves us too much not to break through the darkness and allow His light to touch our fears or anxiety; our hope in what will be or our lack of faith in a hard moment.   His light will reach for you in a moment you least expect it but need it most.  And when that happe...

It’s hard to believe that this will be the second Christmas without my boys in it.  But even in their absence, they will still be here in memory and carried throughout the day in my heart.  Ever since this parental alienation journey began, it’s been my goal to still celebrate them and keep up with the traditions I’ve always done; even if they wouldn’t be here to see it.  Their stockings are hung, their picture with Santa has been placed on the top of the piano and their artwork from preschool have been displayed.  All in attempt to keep them alive and present with us all.   Boys, we may not be together, but I am always here.  I pray that your Christmas is filled with unspeakable joy and love as you move into the New Year.  I am praying big things over your lives and future, and I need you to know that you are loved, you are wanted and we will never give up on you.  

Reflection—I’ve been on a journey through it lately.  Of moments gone, of things I wish I would have; of wondering how despite the… Reflection always teaches me something about life.  It teaches me something I may have overlooked or maybe refused to acknowledge in the face of.  It helps me to see things in a way I need to in order to clearly see. Reflecting has a funny way of showing me what is when what I’m looking at is upside down and maybe a little blurry.  Almost always pointing back to the direction of my thinking in the face of, and what I can change for what’s to come.   I’m thankful for what a little reflection can do for me.  Taking the blurry parts and making them crystal clear.  God always shows up in moments I least expect—but in moments when He knows I’ll hear him the loudest.  It’s in the middle of all the blurry parts of life, I need a little perspective.  And today, it took the dead of winter and an ice storm to ...

Faith.  Perspective. Shift.  Change.  Growth.  Prayer.  Reflection.  Learn.  Loss.  Grief.  Joy.  Thankfulness. So many words to process through from this year.  I don’t know about you, but I always feel a mixture.  Some more than others, but all working together somehow, someway to help tell my story.  A story of how all the good and all the bad was woven together to make me, me.    It would be easy to only remember the hard this year has brought my way.  But that wouldn’t be fair to the rest of my story.  Because without the bad there wouldn’t be any good, and without the good, there couldn’t be bad.   The most beautiful parts of my story are the beauty for ashes He has given me.  Answered prayers, kindness through others; love when I felt completely unloveable.  The beauty of walking with Him through both the good and bad parts of my story in order to have faith, to g...

It’s our choice whether we stay stuck in our hurt or get renewed in our hearts. —Lysa Terkeurst I was stuck for longer than I’d like to admit.  Stuck in the pain and heartbreak.  Stuck in the injustice of it all.  Stuck in the fact that I am a rule follower and always (try) do the right things even when it’s hard.   I couldn’t wrap my brain around how I ended up in this set of circumstances.  Thoughts of, ‘what did I do’ and ‘does He even love me’ came into mind.   It was in the middle of that stuck-ness that I realized that I couldn’t come up with an answer; not the correct one, anyway.  The truth is sometimes things happen because of what God will do with it.  He loves us—always, even in the moments when we feel like He just doesn’t.   I could embrace and grow through this hurtful season or stay stuck in all this storm was throwing my way. I would love to tell you that I chose to grow through it all.  But the truth...

Living with joy in the face of… I didn’t just wake up with joy one day.  I couldn’t feel it and I didn’t want it.  All I wanted was what my heart wanted and that’s all I could see.  The truth is, living with joy in the face of seems almost impossible, right; at least when you’re in the thick of it.  That is what I thought when this parental alienation started.  When I went from being able to speak to my children and hold them in my arms to nothing, I thought this was what would break me and snuff out my light.   But here I am, twenty-one months later, and I’m living with joy in the face of.  What I didn’t know in the beginning of it all was that the pain I felt combined with the joy I would soon allow to consume me, would work together in a way that even I can’t fathom just yet.  The two, would catapult my faith to a place it needed to go in order to see a perspective I couldn’t yet see.   The pain and joy working together trans...

Grief, broken hearts, loss, pain—there isn’t a pretty way to heal from it.  There isn’t a list of bullet points to follow to make it any easier, either.  It’s messy and all over the place.  You can’t hide from it or run away.  You could be like me and find yourself crying in the middle of a zoo one day.  All because you heard a mama say her son’s name.  The same name as your son.  And you sit, and watch as they hold hands and walk off together and the pain you feel makes you remember…  You have a broken heart.  And it hurts because of what is missing.  A longing you long to be filled.  A love you want to give.  A hand you want to hold in yours.     This is part of healing.  Allowing the feelings to come in the middle of a zoo and giving yourself grace in the moment to just feel.  Not only to feel, but remember this broken heart won’t stay broken.  God will take it and turn it into something...

No matter how much I want God to change my situation, I can’t help but feel that it’s my spirit that needs the change of scenery.  God is more concerned with that, then changing a situation I feel needs to be changed.  Am I hurting, yes.  Am I uncertain about things, yes.  Would I like to be able to give my boys a hug and tell them I love them, yes.   But right now, there is something bigger at work that I don’t yet fully understand.  Right now, I have to let go and let God.  I have to trust in His plans even if I believe His plan right now totally sucks. When you face your greatest fear head on, something happens inside of you.  That fear you have always carried is now gone.  The anxious thoughts, the weight of the world, the waking out of a dead sleep because of the what if’s—all gone.  The fear no longer has a grip on you because you are living through and facing that fear.   I have found that there is so much freedom in...

Healing.  We can’t schedule it or hurry it up.   But when we start to see it as unfolding layers of unexpected strength and richly revealed insights, it doesn’t feel so inconvenient or unfair. It starts to feel like the sweetest secret God ever whispered into the depth of our soul. —Lysa Terkeurst  I don’t why it happens; the tears just flow out of nowhere.  It’s then you realize that the pain has crept back in.  Had it not been for the tears, you wouldn’t have realized your heart was aching.  That it is was longing for something more.  That your heart was looking for something you or this world could not fill.  The void that is there is a dull ache that sometimes turns into a loud roar; begging for attention—for healing.  For something to fill its depths and rebuild it from the bottom, up again.   The pain will turn to joy.  The trial will be a blessing.  One day at a time the tears will turn into a smile...

Revealing Jesus in my life hasn’t always been easy for me.  It’s taken effort and courage; it’s taken me not being afraid of whether my testimony will be met with resistance or embraced with open arms.  Revealing Jesus in my life means inviting others into my joy and sorrow.  All with the purpose of revealing what He has done with it all; especially the brokenness I’ve encountered.   To reveal Jesus is to be love; sometimes with complete strangers.  To open your heart and pour out song and praise.  To worship through music, writing or art.  To lift your hands in thankfulness while the weight of the world is crashing on top of you.  To reveal Jesus is to be that vessel of encouragement or hope all while someone who is too afraid or too broken to worship for themselves watches.   Sometimes, the very thing someone needs is to see you reveal all that He has done.  Reveal your joy.  Your sorrow.  Reveal what you’ve overcom...

The last fourteen months have been daunting, to say the least.  All of a sudden, I found myself slap right in the middle of living through parental alienation. If you don’t know what that is, you’re not alone; I didn’t know what it was either.  But somehow, regardless of not knowing what was happening, I found myself in my worst nightmare.   There are a range of emotions you go through; and I think as a mom, it’s a little harder on us given we carried our children and birthed them.  The connection is unlike anything else, and the love we carry is limitless and is given freely and unconditionally.  Despite what is happening in this season of unknowns, my love for my children is stronger than ever.   Many people want me out of the picture all together.  But the truth of the matter is, what happens in the dark always comes to light.  I too, was alienated from my family and friends for ten years.  I know what my children are living throu...

There are times in life when you have to face whats up ahead.  Not sure of what is waiting for you, you have to make a decision—run straight for it or turn back and go a different way.   Some of the hardest trials are waiting up ahead; and you can see them in the distance.  But how do you make the decision to embrace the trial and all it will entail.  Surely, it would be easier to flee.  It would be easier to run the opposite direction and not have to face it at all.  But eventually, it would come back round asking to be seen and heard.   Each and every morning, that’s where I am at.  Having to make the decision to walk into whats up ahead or turn around.  And each morning I don’t ever wake knowing if it will be ‘one of those days’, emotionally.  I wake knowing that I’m at the crossroads of facing what my reality is today or pushing it all away and checking out of myself and live just going through the motions.   The he...

It is written, that I am His Beloved.    The truth is, I don’t always feel like I am.  Trials have found me; leaving me unsure of who I am or what my purpose is. Rejection.  Heartbreak.  Loss.   So many of those moments have held me captive.   So many of those moments have broken me. So many of those moments have lead me to believe that I am less than and unworthy to be called His Beloved. But. It is written, that I am. The trials that have found me can’t change truth. Loved.  Wanted.  Found in Him.   All things that are written about who I am. All things that I am despite circumstances I find myself in. The trials and rejection; heartbreak and loss weren’t meant to keep me captive. They weren’t meant to leave me broken and unrecognizable. They weren’t meant to make me question whose I am. It is written, that I am His Beloved. And nothing will ever separate me from that ...

I’m not going to sugar coat it—emotionally, I’ve been drained.  Life and the trials in it are hard sometimes.  Not feeling like myself yesterday, I decided to make some brownies for my hubby.  I suppose I wanted to feel something—joy, gratitude; something other than the sadness I’ve been feeling.  But the truth is, I was looking for that something in all the wrong places.   It wasn’t until that evening, when the sun started to go down did I see it.  True joy and whatever feeling I was looking to feel comes from one source—HIM.  As I walked through my kitchen, and saw HIS light shining so beautifully on this pan of brownies It. All. Made. Sense.  I felt it creeping up in the form of a huge smile.  And I felt it as I ran downstairs to my office to grab my camera.  I felt HIM shinning into my failed attempt to find something I so desperately needed that day.   A pan of brownies isn’t what I needed to do to find that joy....

The way to true intimacy with God is not to live on the mountain top, but to get to know His faithfulness in the valley.  -Craig Groeschel I feel like this is the deepest and widest valley I’ve had to journey through.  And something tells me that when it is all said and done, I’ll look back on this and realize that it wasn’t.  There comes great pain and heartbreak with rejection; especially if it’s someone you love deeply pushing you away. The pain runs deep and wide, just like the valley does.   In the beginning of it all, I would look around, and all I could see was loss and devastation; I could only see what was missing from my life.  And I would think to myself that there is no way I’ll be able to journey up and out of this; this is just too much— even for me.  It’s then, I’m reminded, that this too, shall pass.  Just like all the other storms have.  And the one who has promised to never leave me, will be right by my side.  ...

I feel the nudge deep in my soul; the one I get when I have words that need to be written.  And as I sit down at my desk, I prayerfully ask Him to help me with what needs to be said.   As I place my hands on the keyboard, the song, It Is Well is playing.  It’s then I realize something that could be easily missed had I been distracted by the day.  I think about the story behind the words being sung, and what Mr. Spafford must have been feeling as he penned them.   I can relate to his feelings of loss; especially today.  And maybe just me sitting down at the keyboard was all I was supposed to do.  That maybe, I don’t have anything that needs to be said, but He does.  I needed to be obedient to that still, small voice to sit and just listen.  That maybe, the nudge wasn’t for me to write something out, but to listen and allow Him to pour into me. To answer a prayer that was prayed early this morning.  Before the sun rose and the...

A mother’s love.  I can imagine it’s one of the strongest forms of love that can be felt by the human heart.  Her children, a blessing from God, are now woven into the fibers of who she is; forever changing life and love as she knew it.  It’s a love so deep that despite what happens, is always still there.  It never fades, never wavers; is full of hope and grace and forgiveness—always. 

Sometimes you feel as though you’re holding on for dear life; not sure where the wind will carry you if you let go. Letting  go is what is necessary, at times. Letting go of what was. Of what would have been. Letting go of your plans for the future. Of people you love. Letting go, and letting God is the best thing you can do in those moments.  Where the uncertainty turns to hope. The fear turns to peace. The dark is made light. And His love takes hold and guides you to your next destination.