Beauty for Ashes

Joyce Meyer said something today that really spoke to me.  She said, " you can get over your past if you believe there is nothing from your past that will prevent you from having a great future. "   This couldn't be more true.  I know that I am guilty of allowing my past to influence my present.  Especially when it's a feeling or an emotion of what once was.  When I allow this to happen, I am only robbing myself of a great future.  I applied her statement to my life.  Just because God has redeemed me from my past doesn't mean I won't have trials that come up.  The problem is when I allow the feelings of the past to consume me now.  I don't know about you, but this isn't the way I want to live.  After my divorce, that chapter of my life was over.  It shouldn't still have any impact on the new chapter I am writing with Adam.  But sometimes, it does.  It does because I allow it without even realizing.  Not that long...

I have always been very sensitive to the feelings of others.  Especially, when I know they are really struggling.  Sometimes, the words just flow out of me-as if God is using me to get a message of love across.  I originally wrote this for a dear friend of mine who has been walking down a hard road.  But for some reason, I have held onto these words.  This morning, I was reminded of them and felt led to blog them.  I don't know who is meant to read them.  I don't know what your struggles are.  But I do know, our God is faithful-ALL the time.   I hear you. I hear your cries, your frustrations, your hopelessness. I know you are tired.  Tired of struggling, tired of not knowing if you will ever get out of this mess, tired of not being independent. I know your deepest hearts desires. I need you to stop trying to control your life and every situation that comes up. That's not your job-it's mine. I want to carry all of you...

The pain of my past collided with my present this week.  It was out of the blue and sudden.  All because I was asked, "why don't you wear more dresses?"  That seems like an innocent question, right?  But not to me.  It triggered pain that was so far hidden inside of me.  Pain that I did't know was there.  Pain that was still running deep within me even after all these years.  It triggered old memories that I did't want to remember. This period of my life is one I do not want to remember. I just want it to go away.  But the reality is, it won't unless I face it.  This time of my life is where a lot of my insecurities come from.  So for me, talking about it is tough.  The truth is, a lot of my pain comes from the twelve years of being the spouse of someone with a pornography addiction.  There is so much pain from that time in my life.  It's time I face this and set it free. It's not my burden to carry anymore. My ...

Each morning is yet another chance to choose to forgive, to love, and to stand up and fight to overcome the obstacles thrown in your path. Remember, The Lord is YOUR strength and YOUR salvation in times of distress. Choose to draw closer to him in these times.  "I keep my eyes always on The Lord. With him at my right hand I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8 . When the devil wants you to look at your sins (problems), God wants you to look for His son. “Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.” Isaiah 33:2  

Adam, I feel like I don't express to you enough how important you are to me.  I need you to know that I love you more and more every single day.   I couldn't imagine my life without you in it.  I want you to know that I pray for you daily.  I know you do a lot for our family and that can't be easy.  I am thankful for you-for your heart.  I am amazed at how well you love people.  You make me want to be a better person, a better believer, a better wife, a better mom.  Thank you for pushing me outside of my comfort zone.  For pushing me to want more out of life and to not be okay with the status quo.  I realize now, before you, I wasn't living.  You make life exciting for me.  Every day is a new adventure with you.  Even if that simply means we are laying on the couch and stumbling upon a new series on apple tv.   Thank you for ALL you sacrifice-for ME.  I know you still have dreams that pull at your soul. ...

Psalm 119:28 "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." In times of uncertainty or loss, it is extremely hard not to let your emotions spiral out of control. Remember, God is your rock. Let him carry your burdens so you don't have to bear it all alone. We are all human. It is okay to cry out and have that emotional release. Just try not to dwell on the negative too long. God has a perfect plan for you. Sometimes, it's not the plan we have in mind. There will be detours and road blocks along the way. But continue to trust in Him and His plan. Trust even when you feel like there is no hope. He knows what he is doing. He can see the whole picture to completion. God will never leave you.

My sister calls me and tells me that Joyce Meyer was going to be in town signing copies of her new book, "Get Your Hopes Up!"  We just couldn't believe she would pick our little hometown of all places. We both have always wanted to meet her and this was finally our chance!  We were so excited about the upcoming day.  We probably drove our husbands crazy with it all. The big day was finally here!  I sent my sister a text early that morning to say, "We are meeting Joyce today!" As if she didn't already know this. We arrived at Books A Million an 1.5 hour early just to get a great spot in line.  Good thing we went early-we were #64. To our surprise, Joyce and her husband showed up thirty minutes early!  She sat down and started the book signing right away.  This was the first glimpse Ashley and I got of them. Ashley and I were talking about what we were going to say to her.  I wanted to make her laugh so my plan was to ask her to do the r...

My friend, I recognize the pain in your eyes.  I can see how much effort it takes for you to get through your day.  I see how hard it is for you to smile.  I see you trying to be strong.  I see you.  I see your pain. That was once me.  At a glance, you would never know how much pain was behind my eyes.  You would never be able to tell how much effort it took just to put on a smile.  You would never realize just how hard it was to just get through the day.  The years after my divorce were extremely difficult.  Every day was a new challenge for me.  People say they understand your pain. But the reality is, unless you experience what trials I was facing, they had no idea of what it felt like.  I didn't know a soul who really understood my pain or what I was facing. God quickly and gently reminded me that He did.  He understood.  Jesus paid the ultimate price for me.  He died a horrible death-for me.  If any...

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares The Lord. "Plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The Lord has a specific plan for you! He will take you through open fields and through the wilderness. All this, to prepare you for your future. I know my personal journey was long and full of roadblocks and detours. The one thing that kept me moving forward was that I kept my eyes always on The Lord. Psalm 16:8 "I keep my eyes always on The Lord. With him at my right hand I will not be shaken."  So remember, on the road of life, you will have your fair share of these roadblocks. If you keep your eyes always on The Lord, He will get you through.

I am a follower of Christ. I strive to grow and change daily. I strive to live a life on the narrow road. I strive to follow him and where He leads me. I strive to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Everyone has a unique story or situation that may, in some way, hinder you to follow Him. Many will allow their situation to get in the way which will only prevent GOD from fully carrying out His plan for your life. I don't know about you, but in twenty years I want to look ba ck and be utterly amazed at all of the blessings and the road I traveled down. I want to know that I single handily impacted others in their journey. All because I said, "yes". It is inevitable to catch flack. People will have their opinions on your choices and decisions. People will jump to conclusions without knowing all of the facts. But at the end of the day, you only have to answer to GOD. You do not have to answer to those who judge you!! I'm tired of living my life the way others "think...

After my former spouse left,  I knew immediately that I needed to work on forgiving him as it was part of the healing process. This was the last thing I wanted to do-EVER!  That meant I would have to choose to forgive him for leaving, for the years of mental abuse, for the effects his pornography addiction had on me, and for the multiple times of infidelity. I can remember arguing with God about this. How could I forgive a man that did all of that to me? He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. I was mad and sad and angry all at once and God wanted me to choose to forgive him? I didn't see any possible way this would ever happen. Then God began to work on me. He started to mend my broken heart.  He reminded me that even though someone wrongs us, we are to always forgive. No matter what.  God reminded me that I make mistakes too, and He always forgives me.  I know that I do not deserve His forgiveness, but He forgives me anyway.  I realized that all of t...

Divorce is hard.  Divorce is unfair.  Divorce is ugly.  Divorce is life changing. When I pictured my life, divorce wasn't part of that vision.  My vision for my life was altered when my former spouse left.  My journey down the divorce road has not been an easy one.  Especially, because of the children involved.   Their lives have been forever changed.  Some may say their lives are ruined or just scarred from the trauma of the split.  Their lives consist of living a week with me and a week with their father.  The Holidays are split and alternate yearly.  There are years where I do not get to see my own children on their birthdays.  This is pretty hard, especially since I'm the one who carried and gave birth to them.  If the Holidays or school breaks fall just right on the calendar, there is a three week time frame where my children won't see me.  Divorce is hard-plain hard. At times, I feel as if I'm a part-...

It's almost been a month since starting another round of fertility drugs.  I'm on the last of the three medications I have to take to complete the cycle.  At this point, it's just a waiting game.  This is the part I hate the most.  The waiting is brutal.  In about eleven days, we will find out if the fertility drugs helped us conceive.  I'm trying not to read into every little "symptom" my body presents.  But, it is really hard not too.  Because of the PCOS, my hormones are naturally off.  So it makes reading my body a little hard.  I don't want to even think about any of this until it is time to take a pregnancy test.  I say I don't want to think about it all, but in reality, it's all I think about.  My mind never shuts off.  It's constantly thinking.  I try to keep myself busy, but every decision I make at this point revolves around the "what if" I'm pregnant thought.  Am I working out too hard?  Should ...

Looking back on my life, when I was just a small girl, I dreamt of becoming a mother one day. Being a mom was the only thing I wanted to be when I grew up.  I didn't have aspirations to be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher.  I simply wanted to be a mom.  So today, I am so thankful to my God.  He is the one who allowed my childhood dream of motherhood to come true. I am truly humbled that he picked me to be Cody and Owen's mommy. I come from a lineage of women who set the perfect example of what it is to be a great mom. The love of a mother is endless, as my mom, continues to show me even as I am an adult and have children of my own.   Today is the day we celebrate our moms and all of their hard work.  To show our appreciation to the one who has cared for us and loved us from day one.  As I celebrate my mother and all she continues to do, I am also reflecting upon my God.  What a mighty God we serve.  It's because of His blessin...

It feels like just yesterday that the boys were hitting from a tee. The game of baseball was much slower back then. Funny how life is just the opposite. Life flies by in the blink of an eye. The years come and go faster as the boys grow older. Now, they have kids pitching to them and the game is a lot faster. I sometimes wish that the game of life would slow back down to the pace of a t-ball game. I want to be able to soak up every moment with them while they are young. The boys won't be boys for much longer. They are turning into young men right before my eyes. Part of me is a little sad, but the majority of me is so excited to see them live out their lives. To fulfill all of their dreams. To set the example of what it is to be a believer. No matter how fast the game gets, or how fast the years fly by, they will always be my pride and joy.

The morning I found out about you it was early.  I was up because I wasn't getting much sleep those days.  You see, two days prior, I found out my marriage was over.  We still hadn't told the boys, so my former spouse was asleep in the next room.  That morning, he left his cell phone on.  That morning, a text came through-from you.  When I first found out about you, I didn't know what to think or how to feel.  I felt betrayed instantly. I was angry with you.  I had been lied to.  I didn't want to believe the evidence on the cell phone I held in my hands.  You hear of stories all the time of this happening, I just never thought it would happen to me.  How could I have been so clueless-so naive?  I didn't want to believe any of it.  I think I was just in a state of shock.  I didn't want to believe that my then spouse was having an affair.  That you knew about my marriage ending before I did.  I can remember th...

Motherhood.  What an incredible blessing it is to be a mother.  I have been a mom for twelve years.  TWELVE YEARS!!  It really does go by in the blink of an eye.  I have watched my children accomplish every single milestone up to this point.  I have laughed with them, lost many hours of sleep trying to comfort them, spent nights shedding tears over them.  I have spent countless hours worrying for them.  But mostly, I have spent the most hours in prayer for my boys.  Those prayers started when I realized as a little girl all I ever wanted to be was a mom.  It’s days like today, that you reflect most as a mom.  It makes you realize or understand what your mother must feel about you.  All the blood, sweat and tears your mom poured over you.  All she sacrificed for YOU.  You realize how grateful you are for her.  My mom has been a mom for thirty-four years.  I can only imagine that the love you feel for you...

Single mothers- I know how much you worry, how much you struggle. I know how hard you work to provide and how often you question how you will get by this month. I know how hard it is on you. I just want to tell you that you are doing an amazing job. You are so strong...a lot stronger than you think. God will always provide a way for you. God will provide the things you need most. Being a single mother was the hardest thing that I have had to do. It was not all sunshin e and rainbows. There were hard, dark times. When those moments started to drown me, my faith and my God was there. Without it, I don't know where I would be today. My prayer for you is that when those storm clouds start rolling in, you look up. No matter how big the mess, pray and remember to always keep your faith. Never once doubt that God isn't there with you. He is always right beside you.  In 2 Corinthians 2:14 it says, " But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Chr...

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18 This is such a great promise to remember.  Especially, in the midst of losing someone we love.  The death of someone close can be so devastating that the pain and grief we feel can consume us completely.  Any flicker of light we may have left inside of us, can easily be snuffed out by all of the grief and pain we feel.  Even in the midst of a loss, remember there is still hope.  God is the healer of all healers.  God is the comforter of all comforters.  God is your strength.  God is your hiding place-your refuge in a storm.  He can pick up the pieces of your broken heart and put it back together stronger than it was before.         God hears your cries and feels your pain.  He will carry you through your most difficult of times.  He will bring you peace and happiness once again.  So in happy moments, p...

It was Saturday morning and the boys and I decided to go on an adventure.  One that included hiking through the woods on trails trying to spot any kind of wildlife possible.  For me, it was mostly about spending that much needed quality time with the kids- without the interruption of life.  Between school and baseball, we don't have much time anymore.  Out there, you are surrounded by nature.  You hear nothing but the sounds of the animals.  We just love it! Now, I'll be the first to admit, I hate spiders and snakes of any kind.  Big or small. So I was really hoping not to see any of those critters!  I do however, LOVE alligators.  Have since I was a child.  There is just something about them that is so fascinating to me.  Luckily, for me, I have passed down that excitement and love for the big guys to the boys.  We knew from going in the past that there was a long dock leading out onto a lake.  What we saw once we w...

Life is made up of so many moments. Watching the boys yesterday, I had a moment of true thankfulness. I can still hear their laughter-so happy and full of joy as they rode in on every wave. I wanted that moment to stand still-just long enough so I could soak up every bit of it. In that moment, I was truly thankful for every blessing in my life. Especially, the road I walked down to get me to my life today. God doesn’t promise our lives will be easy. He promises that he will always be there-for every moment. Whether that be sad, happy, exciting or terrifying. I learned that first hand along my journey. It’s something I’m extremely grateful for. I pray that I have set the right example for my children to grow up and want to have a strong relationship with their God. Not just in the happy moments, but in the painful and disappointing moments too. Their time of leadership and strength start now, when they are young. So boys: “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you ar...

Here we go again.  I just started another round of fertility drugs.  I have to rely on modern medicine to “help” us out.  Everything  is calculated by the day and I have to follow this strict regimen just to conceive our first child. It turns the once carefree days of trying to conceive to being robotic.  I know many couples struggle with the issue, but I never thought I would be in that group of people.  After all, I have two boys already.  How could I all of a sudden be having issues?  I am the reason we are having fertility troubles.  I was diagnosed with PCOS a year ago.  No woman wants to hear that her chances of conceiving a child on her own is almost impossible.  I feel less of a woman because of this.  I feel like I fail my husband every month when the pregnancy test comes back negative.  I know he loves me, and will love me with or without a child of our own.  It is just plain hard on me. I want nothing more...

“Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.  Sing to him, sing  praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.  Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.  Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.  Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced.”  Psalm 105:1-5 God will redeem your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past so it doesn’t become their future.  The scripture is very clear, we are to tell it to all.  God is an amazing God who loves us even though we fail him daily.  He loves us enough to forgive and forget our mistakes and is the only one who is able to redeem us from our past.For years, I have been ashamed of my story.  I would only tell it to the women I felt it would help.  Women who were dealing with the same things that God saved me from.  I wanted to be th...