Beauty for Ashes

I feel the nudge deep in my soul; the one I get when I have words that need to be written.  And as I sit down at my desk, I prayerfully ask Him to help me with what needs to be said.   As I place my hands on the keyboard, the song, It Is Well is playing.  It’s then I realize something that could be easily missed had I been distracted by the day.  I think about the story behind the words being sung, and what Mr. Spafford must have been feeling as he penned them.   I can relate to his feelings of loss; especially today.  And maybe just me sitting down at the keyboard was all I was supposed to do.  That maybe, I don’t have anything that needs to be said, but He does.  I needed to be obedient to that still, small voice to sit and just listen.  That maybe, the nudge wasn’t for me to write something out, but to listen and allow Him to pour into me. To answer a prayer that was prayed early this morning.  Before the sun rose and the...

A mother’s love.  I can imagine it’s one of the strongest forms of love that can be felt by the human heart.  Her children, a blessing from God, are now woven into the fibers of who she is; forever changing life and love as she knew it.  It’s a love so deep that despite what happens, is always still there.  It never fades, never wavers; is full of hope and grace and forgiveness—always. 

Sometimes you feel as though you’re holding on for dear life; not sure where the wind will carry you if you let go. Letting  go is what is necessary, at times. Letting go of what was. Of what would have been. Letting go of your plans for the future. Of people you love. Letting go, and letting God is the best thing you can do in those moments.  Where the uncertainty turns to hope. The fear turns to peace. The dark is made light. And His love takes hold and guides you to your next destination.  

I have this longing.  This longing to find the gate to get through this.  To climb up and over- away from the piercing barbs of heartbreak, to the wide open pastures waiting on the other side.  I knew this journey would be difficult, and that I would have my moments; but I need to continue living. I have to live my life despite who’s in it.  I need to find what is waiting for me over on the other side of this fence.   Do you ever feel stuck?  Ever feel like there is no way you could move forward in life because of heartbreak or rejection, or mistakes you’ve made?  I have.  I do.  It’s life as I know it right now.  But you know what?  You have to keep moving forward.  You have to give yourself grace to feel what your heart needs to feel.  You have to praise in the face of sorrow and forgive in the face of wrongdoing.  You have to learn to live life despite what it throws at you.

I’m sitting at my desk, watching and waiting for the snow.  Little things like that make me giddy like a schoolgirl.  And as the weather changes minute to minute, like it always does here, I can’t help but relate that back to life right now.  Life is changing-it has changed.  And it isn’t what I had in the forecast of my life.  I guess when you are planning out your life and family as a little girl, with only one dream and that’s to be a mother, you don’t see storms in the forecast of your future.  You don’t see divorce and all the bad that hurting people will do for personal gain.  You only see the good.  The love.  The connection.  The perfection.  You see happily ever after.   Looking back over life right now, it’s scary to think that at one time when I looked at it, I only saw perfection.  Life is anything but perfect; it’s a beautiful mess of moments, good and bad.  And when we think it will be, we set ours...

Long winter months.  Grey. Cold. The sun hiding most of the time.  But to me, the light in the winter is breathtaking.  I guess the winter reminds me of walking in the valley.  The storms are dark and seem never-ending, and you think, “will I ever see the light again?”  And just when you think you can’t take another step forward, He shows you that He is there.    Walking by faith is hard; especially because it asks us to do so without seeing.  We have the faith to know that God is there in those times. In the darkness of the valley, He won’t let you down.  His brilliant light will always cast out the grey and cold, and you’ll have no doubt in your mind that He is there.     

Sometimes it’s painful to be brave.  Painful to move into God’s plans without people you love.  Sometimes looking fear in its face is what is needed in order to rise up.  In order to be brave.  In order to seek Him in the midst of heartache and find peace in His arms.  Sometimes fear is the very thing I need to feel in order to push through.  Being brave doesn’t mean I won’t fear; it means I’m not alone.  And even when I feel like no one is in my corner, I know God is there and that He has blessed me with someone who supports me always.  I’m thankful for the man who stands beside me, today and every single day; helping me to be brave and look fear in its face.  But mostly, for his reminders that God is watching and His plans are always good.  

Good morning, thirteen, good morning, my son.   I pray that in a world that will try and tell you who you should be that you remain true to who you are.  That you will be the light for your generation and stand up for those who need someone to fight for them.  I pray that your heart remains anchored to the one who loves you even more than I do.  My son, God has big plans for your life; remember that always, especially in your failures and the trials that you’ll encounter along the way.  I’m so proud of you and nothing could ever come between the love I have for you.  You’re in my heart and thoughts always. -Mom    

I will love you regardless  Of what you do to me. You can yell and shout Or shut me out completely. I will love you regardless Because I choose to forgive. I overlook the hate And see you, instead. I will love you regardless of what you do to me. Because I choose to extend grace In the face of a hard reality. I will love you regardless Because I choose to forgive. The harsh words and rejection That you so freely give. I will love you regardless Because that’s what all mothers do. You are part of my heart No matter what you do.

As I sit at my desk and look out over the city, I can see in the distance a storm is rolling in over the Rocky Mountains.  As I watch, it moves closer and closer, lightning is popping and thunder is crashing.  I can see the clouds breaking open giving way to the rain that is to follow. I can’t help but feel the storm brewing inside of me in this moment.  My heart pounding, and the grief growing too heavy to hold back behind my eyes.  They give way, and allow the tears to stream down my face mirroring the rain streaming down the window.  And in that moment, the breaking of the clouds reminded me that in the breaking of ourselves, so much growth can take place because of the rain.   I try and use this platform, to bring Glory to God and to be vulnerable with the things He is taking me through; because you just never know who needs to hear the words you have to say.  And after all the sharing I’ve done in the past, it still feels awkward and th...

Opposition is pushing against me; trying to break me with harsh words.  They are trying to surround me, locking me in among the thorns.  I don’t belong in the muck, chained down to lies and titles that are thrown on me.  I don’t belong in the tangled web of chaos either.  I refuse to allow the lies to seep in.  I refuse to allow bitterness to loom.  I refuse to bend and change my morals and convictions in order to be loved or worthy.  I refuse to allow them to define who I am because only Christ can do that.     I have to make a decision; to allow the opposition to continue to push me around in the muck or dig in my heels, put on my crown and shove back with the truth that is living and breathing inside of me.  My place is somewhere extravagant; and His plans are always good.  There comes a time in life where you have to let go in order to be free; and that time is now for me.  I’m letting go in order to live.  I’...

I know the reckless love God has for me firsthand.  It’s a love that never fails.  Never leaves me.  It’s a love that isn’t conditional based on my performance or things I may own.  It’s a love so pure and genuine, full of mercy and grace that He freely extends to me each day.  Despite my failures, He always welcomes me in.  He loves me through my mistakes.  Through my heartaches.  Through every moment of my life He is there; wanting to be apart of it.  The door to my heart isn’t alway open for Him.  In fact, the walls I build slam it shut.  But because of His reckless love for me, He waits patiently for me to open the door again.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6 How do I trust in the Lord with all my heart, when all my heart hurts?  How do I get to that place I once was where this was all I had?  The trusting doesn’t come easily for me anymore.  My child-like faith has been sucked up by life and the storms in it.  Causing me to stumble and fall; and blow around in the wind without knowing the direction I’m to go.     I’m sure, with anyone’s walk, they find themselves in a place like this at one time.  Feeling beat up and broken; and not knowing if God is still pleased with them.  I should know how to get back to the place of being able to trust; for God has been there by my side through the worst parts of my life.   Through infidelity, divorce, emotional abuse and the destruction caused by a narcissist; without Him, ...

The light. It speaks to me everyday.  As I sip my morning coffee it greets me.  As I go about my day, it shines through in unexpected ways.  As I walk through my grandma’s house, it stops me in my tracks.  There is something magical about light, and how it makes me feel; a deep appreciation for it’s beauty that at one time went unseen.  I suppose that is why we go through dark times; to allow the beauty of the light to drown it out, so that His light can shine into the mundane and heartbreaking situations that make life, life.   My grandma found me starring at her bathroom window this day.  I asked her if she has ever noticed the light rays and the dust floating in its beauty?  Her response, “I’m glad you appreciate the light”.  She went on to say, “I can’t live in a dark house.”  “I have to have light coming in”.   I suppose she feels the same way I do about it all; the light and dark.  The trials and joys of life....

The line has been drawn in the sand.  And I’m left with the feelings of not knowing what side to stand on.  When freedom is found, the ache and sharpness of yet another wound crawls up from the dark and grabs my attention; begging to be noticed and mended like the others.  I’m left with not knowing how to heal from the wounds of my past.  Not knowing how in the hell I will ever get over those mountains that remain in my way.  I’m left wondering if maybe it’s just too much for one person to overcome.   The truth is, I’m tired.  The motivation and desire to find true freedom from it all has left me.  I’ve journeyed so far over the years, finding freedom from so much already.  But my weariness is starting to set in.  My prayers left unanswered and the feeling that I have been forgotten plays like a broken record in my mind.   I suppose we all reach this point at some time in our lives.  The coming to the end of ourselves ...

I know I write about my faith a lot.  Sharing lessons learned and trials that I’ve overcome.  I know it’s not for everyone, and that a lot of people probably don’t want to hear the things I have to say.  My purpose isn’t to be someone who’s voice is loud and screams so all can hear.  I write for that one.  That one who needs encouragement.  That one who needs to know that they are not alone.  That one is why I endured the things I’ve endured and the reason I feel led to share.   God has done so many amazing things in my life, and it’s no surprise that He continues to show up so that I may see.  I’ve learned over the years that He will use the most ordinary of moments to show you what He needs you to understand; and the other day, on about mile three, He whispered a question to me.   “Why do you run?” You see, I was pushing myself a little harder than normal by adding extra miles that day.  I was running because life was...

Like in years past, I’m up before dawn reminiscing about this day-  the day you were born.  I tell myself that every year will get easier, but it hasn’t yet.  That every year I won’t feel that tug on my heart saying, “it’s almost time”.  The same tug that once spoke those words when I was awaiting your arrival now have a different meaning.  Instead of coming, you’re closer to going.  Going out to forge your way in the world.  The tug will always be there, I suppose.  It is a reminder that  you’re growing up quicker than I anticipated or would like.  Quicker than my mama heart can handle.  A reminder that these moments are precious and not to take them for granted. But every year, just like I feel that familiar tug on my heart, I also feel the excitement of what’s to come.  The anticipation of all the good things your future holds.  The potential waiting for you to grab hold of and conquer.  This world and som...

I can remember a time in my life that when I thought about who I was, all I could name were the titles I had placed on myself.  My identity was consumed by what was going on in my life at the time.  I was allowing who I was to be defined by the issues and destruction swirling all around me. Where when I thought about the way people saw me all they saw was a divorced, single mom.  They saw a failure.  Maybe even a quitter.  I felt ashamed all the time, especially in church.  So I hid a lot of me, so to speak.  I avoided certain conversations and situations.  I couldn’t even look at myself without feeling this overwhelming sense that everyone saw me the same way.   It was tough living with those titles over my life.  I walked around for years with my head held down; trying my best to hide the immense amount of shame I felt.  And it wasn’t until I found the truth did I fully embrace the freedom that comes with knowing it....

I know you feel it.  The gentle breeze on the back of your neck.  The nudge in the pit of your stomach saying, “it’s time”.  I know you feel it; the closing of one life season and the beginning of the next one begging to be brought to life.   A tearing away from the old and clinging to the new.  I know how painful it can be to let go.  To let go of what was for the unknown of what is to be.  To be stuck somewhere in the shadows, too afraid to take that step into the next season, thinking, “I’m not ready”.   Trading the “I’m not ready” for “I trust Your plans” is a process that we all have to work through.  It’s different for us all, but ultimately is designed to propel us into the life He has in store for us.  Taking all the bad and all the good and using it to nudge us forward, with Him, into what is to be.   A beautiful life is waiting for us all to be lived.  He has put together every detail and it’s up to us to...

“God will often guide your life through what He provides for you, but sometimes, He will guide you through what He withholds” -Steven Furtick This quote is so profound.  As I sit here writing this, the one thing I know to be true is that He does guide you through it all.  The good, the bad, the ugly and chaotic.  When I first read this quote, the immediate pain of Him guiding me through what is being withheld weighs heavy on my heart. The reality of infertility and not being able to conceive is tremendous.  Something I never thought I would have to walk through.  But for four years now this has been my journey.  Months and months of “not yet”.  Days of dreaming and praying; of hanging on tight to my faith and sometimes letting it go to feel what my heart needed to feel.  The withholding is teaching me something.  What, I don’t yet know or understand.  But if God is saying, “not yet” it’s for a reason, and that I know first hand....

The wind carried her to places she’d rather not have gone.  To places that were unfamiliar and dark.  She was living a life of unknowns.  Of what nows.  Of where to go from here’s.  She knew a beautiful mess of a life was waiting for her, but where would she find it here? With each step forward, she slowly began to trust.  Slowly began to feel Him.   Faith steps.  A letting go and giving of control.  Her heart.  Her mind.  Her worries and anxieties.  A constant exchange of giving and taking.  Sorrow and joy.  Thanking and praising.  Of trusting despite the unknowns.   She took faith steps forward and saw His hands in this place.  A beautiful mess of a life waiting to be lived.  Waiting to be lived in the face of uncertainty. Of what nows and where to go from here’s.  A life waiting to be found and seen through different eyes.  His eyes.   And just as she found what she ...

I suppose everyone lives a life of unknowns and what nows.  A life of uncertainty chases us all.  There’s a beautiful mess of a life waiting to be lived no matter what we face.  To lift our arms and surrender it all.  To smell the fresh air that is full of possibilities.  To conquer the chaos that is trying to defeat us.   A beautiful mess of a life is a blessing.  One that begs to be embraced through the good and bad.  One that longs to be shared with friends and family.  One that speaks truth with love and grace.   Always forgiving.  Always thanking.  Always striving to be the best version of themselves despite the mistakes and failures.   I suppose that everyone living a life that is a beautiful mess is thankful, like me.  For it teaches us the frailty of human love and life and all the moments that mean something to us.  Forever changing who we are into what we are to become in order to fully live t...

There He is, in the light filtering down from Heaven.  I don’t always feel His presence.  I don’t always see His face in a situation.  But in my heart I know with certainty that He is always there.  Despite what I feel.  Despite what I do, or don’t do.  Despite my poor decisions and mistakes, He is always there.   He is there every morning when the sun rises.  He is in the wind that blows the branch to get your attention.  He is there in the light streaming in towards you.  He is beautiful in the way He loves us.  The way His grace shines through us without shame.  The way He gives so freely to you and me.  If you seek, you will find Him.  And in Him you will find what we all crave.  Acceptance.  Forgiveness.  Love.  You will find endless amounts of His goodness overflowing on you.  

The other side of a mess can seem so far off.  Like you’re in a boat, bobbing with the waves and the current is pushing against the bow trying to knock you off course and slow down your progress.  The mess can have your eyes blinded by the fury of the wind and rain, darkness and clouds.  It’s in that moment when fear begins to press in; allowing your mind to wander and thoughts and feelings consume you.   How will I make it to the other side of this storm, you think?  I don’t see an end in sight or even a way.  There is so much pushing against me, I don’t think I’ll survive the night.  I’ve been in those storms.  The kind where the other side seemed impossible.  The kind where fear and worry and all the feelings crept inside in attempt to sink my boat before the actual waves could. But one thing I have learned through all I’ve walked through is this:  There is a purpose for it all.  Somehow, someway it’ll all make sense an...

“Faith has the ability to see God working, even if His hand seems invisible.” -Steven Furtick I have to remind myself of this often.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to see His hands in the midst of my messes.  It’s hard for me to see that He is on my side; working out every detail for good when the distractions blind my eyes from His light.  It’s hard for me to remember because sometimes, the pain sucks everything out of me leaving me feeling alone and broken and confused.   I find myself questioning where I would be if it weren’t for my faith.  Where I would be if I had chosen to walk away from God that day my former spouse walked away from me.  I find myself questioning what if I followed man instead of following Him.  Where I would be if I turned away from my calling instead of marching towards it.   A lot of my questions, honestly, I don’t want answered.  I don’t want them answered because I am confident that the pain was for a ...