Beauty for Ashes

So many people are struggling and have lost hope. So many people that don't know or even understand God's love need to hear it.  They need to hear your testimony of how God healed and helped you overcome your pain or trials. They need to hear that God draws near to the brokenhearted and can give you beauty for ashes.  That's why sharing your testimony can be so powerful for those who need to hear it.  For those who may be struggling with the very thing that you overcame, your testimony can be life changing to them.  It took me a long time before I was able to share my story with the world.  Because for a long time, I lived in fear and shame for what happened.  I carried this burden when it wasn't mine to carry. I have been redeemed from a lot of my past, but there is still a portion that hasn't been told.  This part of my story is too painful for me to say out loud.  It's even too painful for me to think about.  I have never uttered a word ...

To this day, how I view myself isn't always the best.  I criticize and talk negatively about myself often.  And I have low self-esteem because of things I've had to walk through.  My sense of worth has been altered by situations and circumstances, that at the time, I had no idea were affecting me the way that they were.  I know that there are others out there who are struggling with things that I had to walk through and who are trying to find their worth in the midst of heartache.  I know how incredibly hard that is-to be hurting so bad all while trying to make sense of it all.  All while trying to find some peace amongst the chaos that is raging around you.  Even though it may not seem like it now, I want you to know that you are worthy of so much.  You are worthy of greatness.  You are worthy of happiness and love. Finding my worth after my former spouse left was incredibly difficult for me.  When you go through something like that, ...

Is your life in turmoil right now?  Are you struggling with an addiction?  Are you right in the middle of a raging storm where you are holding on tight because your boat is about to sink?  Are you lost and searching for answers-for clarity?   When facing a difficult situation or going through a storm, what do you do?  How do you act or react in the face of adversity?  Do you look up for the answers or do you focus on the problem and how you can solve it on your own?  Do you turn your attention to trying to control the situation or do you put your hands in the air and ask God to take over?   I know for me, I struggle with letting go and letting God.  Especially with the infertility.  I find with certain trials, my first thought is to try and control the outcome.  To make it work in my timing and not God's.  Instead of saying, "God, you are bigger than this hardship", I am saying with my actions, "God, you are not capable"...

I haven't written about the struggle of infertility in a long time.  Partly, because I don't want to think about it and all of the pain that goes along with that reality. But, with each passing month, and each passing birthday, it's on my mind more than ever.  I know the risks and statistics involved once you are over thirty-five and well, I'll be thirty-six in July. I know age is just a number and you are only as old as you feel, but, I also know that it makes it even harder to conceive too. No woman wants to hear the 'infertility' word.  But almost three years ago, I did.  I could have never imagined the impact it would have in my life.  The stress, the disappointment, the frustration.  It all comes in waves; some just break at my knees and I'm able to keep going, but then there are the ones that are so big that they knock me down beneath the current.  What I need hasn't been on my radar in a long time as I'm trying to do anything I can to forget...

My journey in life has been amazing-even in the midst of heartache and trials.  My journey took me to places that I thought would destroy me completely or break me beyond repair.  My journey has had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. And with each high and each low I praised God the same.  You see, my journey always includes God.  It doesn't matter where I am going, He is coming along.  My journey always brought me to His feet whether the reason was praise or to cry out to Him for help. Today is no different.  I still desire God to be with me every step of the way.  My heart is His.  My life is His.  I have stumbled through the darkest of valleys and I don't want to do it without Him.  I have seen what He alone can do.  I have seen His miracles work in my own life.  My joy and my peace in heartache and trials are because He is alive inside of me.  Only He satisfies my soul.  God is my resting place.

Shame.  A lot of us carry this around when it's not ours to bear.  But why do we do it anyway?  Someone made me realize this weekend just how much shame I have been carrying around with me. He made me realize how this shame has been holding me back from being all that God made me to be.  Shame has me in chains and shackles and that is preventing me from taking steps forward.  Instead, I have been knocking myself back a few steps at a time or just staying in the same place. I've been asking myself for the last few days-why?  Why are you carrying around something that isn't yours to carry?  Why are you bearing a burden that you shouldn't?  And the truth is, I can't answer it, really.  You see, I have been carrying around a tremendous amount of shame as well as embarrassment because of my past-because of what my story is.  Because of the subject matter, I feel as if I am constantly being judged or looked upon a certain way.  Because ...

It's hard not to be still when you are flying through the clouds.  It renders you speechless because the views are so breathtaking. You can't help but think, 'wow, God'. I caught my youngest, Owen, quietly snapping away.  I suppose he was in awe of the beauty + of seeing the earth below him through a different set of eyes; possibly thinking this must be God's view every single day.  But mostly, watching Owen in that still, quiet moment, made me think about what God has made beautiful in my life.  The blessing of children + my husband + second chances + grace + unconditional love.  It's nice to slow down and have those quiet moments to reflect + to thank the one who has made all of that possible.