Beauty for Ashes

No matter how much I want God to change my situation, I can’t help but feel that it’s my spirit that needs the change of scenery.  God is more concerned with that, then changing a situation I feel needs to be changed.  Am I hurting, yes.  Am I uncertain about things, yes.  Would I like to be able to give my boys a hug and tell them I love them, yes.   But right now, there is something bigger at work that I don’t yet fully understand.  Right now, I have to let go and let God.  I have to trust in His plans even if I believe His plan right now totally sucks. When you face your greatest fear head on, something happens inside of you.  That fear you have always carried is now gone.  The anxious thoughts, the weight of the world, the waking out of a dead sleep because of the what if’s—all gone.  The fear no longer has a grip on you because you are living through and facing that fear.   I have found that there is so much freedom in that.  Loosing that fear doesn’t make the situation h

Healing.  We can’t schedule it or hurry it up.   But when we start to see it as unfolding layers of unexpected strength and richly revealed insights, it doesn’t feel so inconvenient or unfair. It starts to feel like the sweetest secret God ever whispered into the depth of our soul. —Lysa Terkeurst  I don’t why it happens; the tears just flow out of nowhere.  It’s then you realize that the pain has crept back in.  Had it not been for the tears, you wouldn’t have realized your heart was aching.  That it is was longing for something more.  That your heart was looking for something you or this world could not fill.  The void that is there is a dull ache that sometimes turns into a loud roar; begging for attention—for healing.  For something to fill its depths and rebuild it from the bottom, up again.   The pain will turn to joy.  The trial will be a blessing.  One day at a time the tears will turn into a smile.  The tears may still come out of nowhere every once in a

Revealing Jesus in my life hasn’t always been easy for me.  It’s taken effort and courage; it’s taken me not being afraid of whether my testimony will be met with resistance or embraced with open arms.  Revealing Jesus in my life means inviting others into my joy and sorrow.  All with the purpose of revealing what He has done with it all; especially the brokenness I’ve encountered.   To reveal Jesus is to be love; sometimes with complete strangers.  To open your heart and pour out song and praise.  To worship through music, writing or art.  To lift your hands in thankfulness while the weight of the world is crashing on top of you.  To reveal Jesus is to be that vessel of encouragement or hope all while someone who is too afraid or too broken to worship for themselves watches.   Sometimes, the very thing someone needs is to see you reveal all that He has done.  Reveal your joy.  Your sorrow.  Reveal what you’ve overcome and how He was by your side the entire way.  Reveal so th

The last fourteen months have been daunting, to say the least.  All of a sudden, I found myself slap right in the middle of living through parental alienation. If you don’t know what that is, you’re not alone; I didn’t know what it was either.  But somehow, regardless of not knowing what was happening, I found myself in my worst nightmare.   There are a range of emotions you go through; and I think as a mom, it’s a little harder on us given we carried our children and birthed them.  The connection is unlike anything else, and the love we carry is limitless and is given freely and unconditionally.  Despite what is happening in this season of unknowns, my love for my children is stronger than ever.   Many people want me out of the picture all together.  But the truth of the matter is, what happens in the dark always comes to light.  I too, was alienated from my family and friends for ten years.  I know what my children are living through.  I understand the turmoil they have to s

There are times in life when you have to face whats up ahead.  Not sure of what is waiting for you, you have to make a decision—run straight for it or turn back and go a different way.   Some of the hardest trials are waiting up ahead; and you can see them in the distance.  But how do you make the decision to embrace the trial and all it will entail.  Surely, it would be easier to flee.  It would be easier to run the opposite direction and not have to face it at all.  But eventually, it would come back round asking to be seen and heard.   Each and every morning, that’s where I am at.  Having to make the decision to walk into whats up ahead or turn around.  And each morning I don’t ever wake knowing if it will be ‘one of those days’, emotionally.  I wake knowing that I’m at the crossroads of facing what my reality is today or pushing it all away and checking out of myself and live just going through the motions.   The heaviness I feel and the aching of the void sometimes ar

It is written, that I am His Beloved.    The truth is, I don’t always feel like I am.  Trials have found me; leaving me unsure of who I am or what my purpose is. Rejection.  Heartbreak.  Loss.   So many of those moments have held me captive.   So many of those moments have broken me. So many of those moments have lead me to believe that I am less than and unworthy to be called His Beloved. But. It is written, that I am. The trials that have found me can’t change truth. Loved.  Wanted.  Found in Him.   All things that are written about who I am. All things that I am despite circumstances I find myself in. The trials and rejection; heartbreak and loss weren’t meant to keep me captive. They weren’t meant to leave me broken and unrecognizable. They weren’t meant to make me question whose I am. It is written, that I am His Beloved. And nothing will ever separate me from that truth or His love.

I’m not going to sugar coat it—emotionally, I’ve been drained.  Life and the trials in it are hard sometimes.  Not feeling like myself yesterday, I decided to make some brownies for my hubby.  I suppose I wanted to feel something—joy, gratitude; something other than the sadness I’ve been feeling.  But the truth is, I was looking for that something in all the wrong places.   It wasn’t until that evening, when the sun started to go down did I see it.  True joy and whatever feeling I was looking to feel comes from one source—HIM.  As I walked through my kitchen, and saw HIS light shining so beautifully on this pan of brownies It. All. Made. Sense.  I felt it creeping up in the form of a huge smile.  And I felt it as I ran downstairs to my office to grab my camera.  I felt HIM shinning into my failed attempt to find something I so desperately needed that day.   A pan of brownies isn’t what I needed to do to find that joy.  I needed to sit quietly with HIM and allow HIS light t

The way to true intimacy with God is not to live on the mountain top, but to get to know His faithfulness in the valley.  -Craig Groeschel I feel like this is the deepest and widest valley I’ve had to journey through.  And something tells me that when it is all said and done, I’ll look back on this and realize that it wasn’t.  There comes great pain and heartbreak with rejection; especially if it’s someone you love deeply pushing you away. The pain runs deep and wide, just like the valley does.   In the beginning of it all, I would look around, and all I could see was loss and devastation; I could only see what was missing from my life.  And I would think to myself that there is no way I’ll be able to journey up and out of this; this is just too much— even for me.  It’s then, I’m reminded, that this too, shall pass.  Just like all the other storms have.  And the one who has promised to never leave me, will be right by my side.  If anyone could help me out of this valley,