Beauty for Ashes

Sometimes, our circumstances can leave us feeling lost; like we are watching our life go by from the sidelines and someone else is living it.  Like this can’t be our reality.  They can leave us unsure of what to think and feel.  Our emotions can sweep us away in a pit of despair and hopelessness; leaving us controlled by the one thing I know shouldn’t be in charge, our feelings.   As I try and process through emotions from the trial I just walked through, I’m left feeling so many things.  Things that the old me would just push away and hide instead of confronting them the healthy way.  The thing is, right now, I don’t want to feel.  I don’t want to process these things.  All I want to do is run away from the emotions that have taken over my heart.  I am stuck.  Stuck somewhere between the light and the dark.  Not knowing what to do with what I feel.   So instead of running away, I’m going to stay and fight.  Instead of being silent, I’m going to use my voice.   And as I wri

I'm learning that it's okay not to be okay.  And that feeling your emotions is something you do rather than burry them and pretend they're not there.  It's been a long road of healing for me.   Healing from my past that I finally found freedom from last June.  In so many ways that freedom changed me.  The chains that kept me locked down no longer have any authority over me.  But what I didn't realize, was that once I received that freedom, my old ways of processing things wouldn't work anymore.  My old ways wouldn't fit into my new found freedom mindset.  That instead of hiding what I felt, I would be forced to feel my feelings and process through them the right way. I am learning that the right way, though harder now, is the only way.   So instead of hiding I'm going to be open.  With God and the community of friends I surround myself with, I'm going to use my voice to share what I'm walking through.  I'm going to seek encouragement and w

This past year has been tough.  I found myself in a situation I would have never walked into willingly.  And now that it’s over, I find myself left with so many emotions.  Emotions that I don’t want to feel.  Ones I just want to run away from.  Ones that I’m tempted to push down and hide away in hopes of not having to face them.  But in order to heal, I have to face them, just like I faced my biggest fear this past year.  I have to talk about them and try to process them the best way I can.  And I know that I can’t do that alone.  So I share my heart and what Jesus has done and is doing in my life in hopes of bringing you hope or something you need to hear in the midst of your own storm.   As I process through these emotions, I’m going to write.  I’m going to use my voice instead of not saying anything at all.  I’m going to face these things instead of ignoring them.  When I pour out my heart, it brings healing.  When I pour out my heart, it helps others see that Jesus is there i

Father’s Day is a little different around here.  Our house is empty.  Quiet.  I’m thankful for the way my husband loves my children.  How he provides for us so I can be at home with them.  How he loves us and sacrifices for us daily.  And how he is taking on the role of a stepfather.  There are so many things that I long to see, and one of those things are my husband’s arms wrapped around our child.  His arms are safe.  Secure.  Loving.  His arms were made to protect this family.   Father’s Day is different when your child is in Heaven.  There are no hand-made cards or kisses for daddy.  No tickle monster laughter or checking for monsters under the bed at night.  There are a lot of things that we can’t do today, but the one thing we can do is rejoice because our child is wrapped in the arms of Jesus.  Our child is safe in His arms.  Our child is secure in His arms.  Our child is protected and loved in His arms.  And though we long to hold our child in ours, there is nothing greate

It takes courage to climb up.  To climb up and face your greatest fear.  To climb towards what you think others want you to be.  What expectations you have on yourself; even if your actions and insides don’t align.  But the real courage comes after the storms.  After the trials of this life have swept us up, shaking our life to the core and spitting us back out again; this time in an unfamiliar place.  A destination we had no desire to ever travel too.  After an outcome you didn’t anticipate or pray for.  The real courage comes from recognizing your weakness and the places you need help to mend back together.  The real courage comes from being vulnerable with the emotions you are feeling, sharing them in hopes of feeling normal again or that someone out there knows this pain.  And even though you don’t feel courageous, you know that Jesus loves you just the way you are right now.  Broken and hurting and in need of His grace to pull through the darkness and into His mighty light again.

There is so much beauty that comes from the broken parts of our stories.  The trials we face, the friends we lose, the hopes and dreams that lay shattered at our feet; all things that we can't control and have all experienced at one point or another.  Just when we think God hasn't heard us, our prayers for mercy and grace, He shows up in the most unexpected ways.  He shows up to make the broken beautiful. I found myself in a new reality a couple days ago.  I found my heart laying on the floor, shattered yet again and full of despair.  But God... God came to my rescue.  He came to make my broken parts new and different, giving me a new perspective and outlook.  He came to mend this broken heart, but this time, it was in record speed.  It's amazing how fast God can move sometimes, and it's something that I don't take for granted.  But when it happens, it's an amazing feeling to know He loves me so much and doesn't want me to hurt.  Twenty-four hours is a

I find myself bleeding and broken with a shattered heart again.  Trying to wrap my brain around my new reality.  I don't know what to do or what to say; I don't even have the words to pray.  I am numb. I thought that I've felt pain before.  But nothing, I mean nothing could have prepared me for today and the destruction that would find me. I don't understand God's plan for my life right now.  Or how this new reality could possibly be part of that plan.   I don't know the why's but I do know the who.  And the who is so faithful.  Even in the midst of this pain, I know it will be used for good one day.  I know that my testimony will be used to minister to others who are hurting.  I know that His plan is greater than anything I could have ever imagined for my life, and for that, I trust Him completely.  Even if that requires me to mend another shattered heart.  

He loved you at your darkest -Romans 5:8 It’s hard to think about God loving you when you are in the middle of a mess.  When your life is full of mistakes and bad choices, you don’t see how the light of God will ever reach down and touch your skin. For some reason, you can’t help but stay in the pattern of making mistakes and then trying to be good.  Trying to change parts about you that you feel need changing before God will ever accept you into His loving embrace.   But friends, I’m here to tell you that you can’t change these ways on your own.  You can’t change them in your own strength.  You can’t fix the brokenness that is on the inside without first letting God into every area of your life; even the hidden parts.  Your past, your mistakes, your sins, your today; God needs to get inside the trenches of your broken heart and change you from the inside out.  Filling the holes with His love and mercy, giving you a new life; a complete heart filled with compassion for the hur