Beauty for Ashes

Anyone who has lost a baby knows the immense amount of pain that comes along with that.  More times than none, you only hear a mother express the amount of pain she is in after the loss of a baby.  But, father's hurt too. They grieve in their own ways and in their own time. These words were written by my husband not to long ago and I just wanted to share his thoughts and realizations with all of you.  My hopes are that it comforts at least one hurting father out there who doesn't quite know how to express or even understand what they are going through.  God Bless. 'I can remember seeing you on the monitor and hearing your heart beat. It was the most amazing day of my life. I remember tearing up because it was the most amazing sound I've ever heard. All my life I've listened to music. Studied it. Played it. Composed it. But the sound of your heart beat remains the single most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I've never been more in love. I never got to h

Cody and Owen, If I could give you any kind of advice it would be to just live.  Live your lives to the fullest.  Don't be afraid to go on new adventures.  Travel the world.  Don't be afraid to experience new things.  Meet new people.  Try new foods-at least once.  Do not ever be okay with the status quo.  Take risks.  Dream bigger.  When you are told no, don't let it defeat you.  Let it drive you.  Never lose that drive to become better men.  You only get one shot at this life, don't waste a single minute of it. Most importantly though, have a heart that loves God.  Put Him first above all else.  Live a life that honors Him.  He will watch over your coming and going. Because one day, you will leave home to forge your own way in this world.  At times, it will seem big and scary.  He will be your protector.  He will guide you along the paths you are to walk down.  Remember to be still and listen for His voice.  Consult Him on every decision.  No matter how big or

Can you believe it's that time of year again.  Time for Christmas trees and twinkling lights. Time for our favorite holiday coffee and warm fires.  Time for gatherings surrounded by our family and friends.  Time for Santa and family photos.  The holidays sure do have a way of sneaking up on us, don't they?  This time of year marks an end to things past and the thrill of anticipation for what the new year ahead may bring. But what is weighing on my heart tonight are the ones who dread this time of year.  Those who are depressed and hurting because of the holiday season.  For some, this time of year brings on so much pain and sorrow.  This time of year has a way of reminding us of things we want to forget.  Of things we do not have.  Of things we had hoped for.  Of people that we lost.  Of dreams that did not come true. So how do you have a thankful heart while dealing with such turmoil?  Having a thankful heart seems easy enough right?  But what about during a rough time i

Decision making is part of our daily lives.  Have you ever sat down and thought about how many decisions you make in a day?  There are too many to count really.  The decisions start the moment you wake up.  A lot of the time, they are simple ones, to which we are quick to make up our minds.  Like, should I hit the snooze button?  But the bigger ones-those are what have me thinking right now.  If someone would have got through to me when I was younger by really opening my eyes to the impact the decisions I was making, good or bad, would follow me the rest of my life, I would have looked at them like they were crazy.  I thought I knew it all; I wasn't looking that far into the future, I was caught up in the now.  I was focused on how my decisions would affect my life at that moment not twenty years down the road. If I could, I would go back to my younger self and share the wisdom and life experiences I now have. I would want to try to help myself to view life and the decisions I

When God is ready to move, He moves.  Nothing can stop Him or get in the way from carrying out His plan.  That is how the story of us happened.  The story of us happened in an instance-in the blink of an eye.  I look back now and am just amazed at how we were brought together. The story of us is one I will never forget.  You see, how we met was a total God thing.  I had been divorced right at three years at that point, and was just living my life.  Adam had just retired from the NAVY after sacrificing for our country a year prior.  That particular week, I noticed the same thing happening to me multiple times a day.  On that Sunday morning, it dawned on me that maybe I was supposed to look into this a little further.  Well, that thing was a link to join Christian Mingle.  I don't even remembering hesitating-not even for a moment.  I just started answering questions to complete my profile.  I felt that nudge, you know the one that is so deep in your spirit.  I just knew that I

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.   Romans 12:12 This very verse has helped get me through some very tough times in my life.  And here recently, it isn't any different.  The only difference now is, it is becoming harder and harder for me to be and do the things it is telling me.  I know that we all go through ups and downs in life, and I'm no different.  This is a tough season for me and, well, I am struggling a bit. This post is raw and real; it's what I  am feeling at this moment in time.  I know I am not alone in this battle and I also know that I am not alone with the struggles and feelings that come with infertility. Be joyful in hope.  To be joyful in hope seems easy enough, right?  But, a lot of the time, it's incredibly difficult.  I can remember two years ago, at the beginning of our infertility struggle being filled with so much hope.  I was sure the medications would work for us-I had no doubt in my mind.  But, after our misc

I  know the struggle inside of you right now.  The pain.  The stress.  The unhappiness.  The fatigue from just trying to please everyone.  I know you are weak.  I know you are questioning me. I know you are ready to quit.  But don't.  I hear you.  I have heard every single cry.  I've seen you on your knees.  I hear your prayers, your concerns and worries.  I know you are coming to me desperately wanting help.  For strength. For wisdom.  For guidance.  I know how hard it is in this season.   I know you feel unloved.  But you're not.  I know you feel like you aren't good enough.  But you are.  I know you feel undesirable.  But you are so loved.  I know you feel unattractive.  But you are beautiful.  I know you feel like a failure in all areas. In your past, your marriage, in your relationships, in raising your children.  Failing is part of the journey.  You won't always get it right.  But you're not a failure.   Everything you are feeling in this season are

I went down to the water today and  I was immediately drawn to this lone, white feather floating my way.  I just thought it was such a beautiful thing to see.  The water was so dark that the white of the feather just stood out.  No matter how dark and cloudy the water was, the white was so visible that it caught my attention. It made me think about life and all the darkness this world can bring.  And how sometimes, as a Christ follower, we feel so alone in this world.  We are like this lone, white feather that is making it's way, floating along with the current.  It made me think about how important it is to always allow our light to shine for all to see; no matter what.  In those times when we are surrounded by such darkness, never allow that darkness to drown out the light of God living and breathing inside of you. It won't always be easy to be that light.  There will be times where someone may not agree with you, or a decision you have made; they may even try to convin

One of the biggest hurdles that I had to face when meeting and marrying my husband was to be comfortable relying on him and not want to do it all on my own anymore.  Adam was wanting to help provide for us, but I wouldn't allow him to do that either.  You see, after my divorce, I was determined that I would never rely on another man again for anything.  I was determined to make it on my own, and I did just that.  I told myself that the only person I would ever rely on again was me.  I had a great deal of satisfaction in knowing that I was able to make it on my salary alone and was able to put money away in case of an emergency.  I was proud at the fact that I could survive and not need any help financially; that I was making it on my own. It all changed though.  In an instant, I went from getting by to not having enough.  Adam would try to help out financially, but I wouldn't allow him. I was too prideful to do so.  I knew that God was working on me.  I felt it in my spirit t

My dear child. As you grow and mature, you are going to form your own opinions about things.  You will have all kinds of feelings and emotions about people and places.  Even about the people you love and trust.  You will no longer see the world with the eyes of an innocent child.  But, instead, with eyes of a young adult.  You will see that in reality, this world can be a cruel, and dark place sometimes; people too.  You see, if your heart is not in the right place, you can fall into becoming prideful, selfish, materialistic, lustful.  All things which are of the world.  All characteristics that aren't pleasing to God or a spouse.  As you learn to navigate your path and purpose, I ask that you allow love to be enough.   From the moment I found out you were growing inside of me, love was enough.  For every pound I gained, to the fatigue, for every moment of discomfort, love was enough.  Because of love, I forgot just how hard and painful it was to bring you into this world.

Psalm 62:1-2 "My soul finds rest in GOD alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." How does one become so heartless? How could someone actually enjoy causing someone else such pain and sorrow? When your soul aches so bad because of a heartless person, what do you do? With all of the trials I have faced and all the ones I still encounter, somehow I always manage to look up without realizing I am. I instinctively seek God in that moment.  My heart hurts from time to time. But, I know my soul finds rest in GOD alone. The beauty of this is, we have an amazing Father who is willing to carry all of our burdens.  All of our pain and sorrow.  So the next time you find yourself going through hard times.  Look up, cry out, allow your soul to find rest in GOD.

When I look at you, I can't help but to smile.  It starts from my heart and exudes onto my face.  When you hold my hand, I can still feel the warm, tingly feelings I felt the very first time you reached out for it.  When you scoop me up in your arms, I feel safe and at peace.  I can feel how much you love me in your embrace.        There are days when I wonder how in the world I deserve you?  Loving me can't be that easy at times.  After all, when we met, I was broken.  Some parts of me still are.  Instead of just letting me try and mend all alone, you are right there beside me; helping me, pushing me along.  Speaking truth and life into me.  Even with the brokenness, you love me anyway.  Somehow, you continue to sacrifice daily for me without any hesitation.  Somehow, you chose to love me.   I have the best of the best, best friend in you.  But, you're not just my best friend, you're my love.  You're not just my love, you're my heart.  You're not

Ever have a morning where you really needed Jesus?  I mean every living part of you.  Laying in bed you already feel empty and broken on the inside. You feel defeated in the first few moments before you open your eyes.  Your soul is aching, it's in agony and you have no motivation to do anything.  You don't want to get out of bed because you have no clue how you will survive the day.  Ever have one of those mornings? Those mornings are tough! But it's nothing that a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus can't fix.  In times like that, He wants us to come to Him.  He wants us to lay all of our burdens at His feet.  He wants us to lean on and depend on Him.  Our God is an amazing God.  And He can work in an instant.  He can use someone else to reach out or speak to you directly.  What an amazing thing to know that God is listening and working in your life.  The peace you get afterwards is indescribable.     That morning I described, was how I felt today.  I

This is month two of being off of the fertility meds.  It really has been hard for me.  Hard in the sense that I am giving up the control.  I know I heard in my spirit in early July that I wasn't supposed to be on meds any longer.  I wasn't ready to listen to that still small voice though.  I wasn't ready to give up that control.  In those moments, the desires of my flesh were more important than what I knew to be true in my spirit.  I went against what I knew I was supposed to do and continued another two cycles of medication.  In those two cycles, the first cycle did not work.  Instead I had crazy side effects and pain.  I thought it was a one time thing so went against that nudge again and did another cycle.  This time, the meds did their job, I ovulated, but that came with a great deal of pain and side effects and no baby.     I know that without being on them, my chances of conceiving naturally are slim to none because of the PCOS.  But, because of the side effec

I know that I am a work in progress.  God is constantly stretching me beyond my comfort zone.  I am always learning and growing.  I am learning daily more and more about who I am in Christ.  God has me going through a season of change.  I don't quite understand it all in this moment, but I am certain I one day will.  Change isn't always pleasant.  It is sometimes scary.  It can be extremely difficult.  It can be emotionally draining.  Change can be a lot of things.  But no matter what kind of change I may be trekking through today, my faith and my trust in Him will remain my constant to help get me through the times of change. The change you may be experiencing may not necessarily be something you wanted, or planned for your life.  As a matter of fact, God could have you going in the complete opposite direction that you laid out for yourself.  That's when I know that I have to throw my hands up and say, 'okay, God, I'm giving this all to you' and just t

We have all experienced some sort of loss.  It is part of life.  Whether it be a loss of a loved one. The loss of a marriage. The loss of a physical ability. There are so many different ways to suffer a loss. But, through all that I have lost I am still able to rejoice with my God. The loss of my marriage led me to the most amazing, God fearing man. A man that was better than anything I could have ever imagined. That loss led me to a better future, the one God intended for me to have.  God was busy molding both of us through our losses to be the perfect fit for each other. In His timing he brought us together. There are no words for the loss of our child, but tonight I am rejoicing that our child is in the arms of our Heavenly Father. You see, each trial He is walking right there beside you. With each trial He is refining you. Without my battles I wouldn't have found my strength and would have buckled under the huge amount of pain I was in.   You don't have to go at

I can feel that you are struggling with your thoughts today.  I know because of your past, and emotional wounds, the negative self-talk and thoughts are always present.  Because of your past, you view yourself differently than the world sees you; you view yourself differently than God sees you.  You don't always mean to think negatively about yourself, but somehow, it just happens.  I know the pain all to well of having emotional wounds.  God is still healing what's left of mine.  He can and will heal all of yours too.  It isn't an easy road to travel down; but I assure you, once some of your wounds are healed and you begin to experience the freedom that healing brings, you won't ever be the same.   Declare today, and every morning, that something great is going to happen.  Declare today, and every day, that God is working in your life.  Declare today, and every day, that you are blessed and thank Him for it all.  Declare today, and every day, that you are a child of

What makes your heart happy?  I mean truly happy?  Have you ever sat down and thought about that?   For me, I live for the moments.  I live for the memories.  I live to see all of my boys smiling.  To see the flicker of happiness in their eyes and pure joy on their faces.  I live for experiences, not stuff.  What makes my heart happy is nothing money can buy.  It's much simpler than that.  What makes my heart truly happy are pulling up all of the memories we have made as a family that I have tucked away in my heart.  Remembering the excitement in trying new things.  Remembering the look on their faces-the smiles, the laughter.   What makes my heart happy is to look back at a moment I captured in a photo and remember all the details from that day.  I see the world differently when I'm behind the lens of my camera.  It's always been extremely important to me to capture these moments.  These moments will pass by pretty quickly; but the memories that are left behind

God is constantly working on us.  He will continue to peel back layer after layer until we have that breakthrough.  Just when you think that you don't have any more layers to peel, God starts to show you that you do.  He shows you that there is still work that needs to be done.  He will pull and pull until those layers are completely gone.  Until you are free from that chain, healed from that pain or recognize the path you are on isn't where He wants you.  I don't know about you, but to me, this process can be excruciatingly hard.  You know that God is refining you-that He is working on you, and that you have to walk through this in order to get to the other side.  The side where He wants you to be.  It's all for a reason and a purpose, you just can't see it yet.  Any season of refinement is not easy to go through.  But it is necessary. In the seasons of refinement or discipline, trust wholeheartedly in Him.  Surrender it all so that you may see clearly what He is

My heart at this moment is full of gratitude for our youth leaders.  These men and women work so hard at guiding and shaping young minds down the road that God has in store for them.  They have an amazing opportunity to help put these children on the path to a future God has in store for them. They have such an important job in this lost world; that is to reach these kids and show them the love of Jesus. Now a days, it seems as if most kids come from broken homes, or single parent households.  That is the norm.  My own children come from a broken home.  So I know first hand how difficult it can be.  A lot of children have been abused and feel like they have no purpose because they are living such difficult lives.  These children feel like they don't fit in at church because of their environment at home.  These children are already feeling and experiencing life-such darkness at a young age. There are kids out there that don't feel safe anywhere. Could you imagine how scared

It's incredibly hard to walk down a road when you don't know where it leads to.  You are unsure of what to expect; what it will be like.  The only thing you are certain of, is that you have no choice but to travel down this unfamiliar road. Imagine this.  You are happy.  You have an awesome job.  In your eyes, your life is perfect and you think that it can't get any better than this.  You have a beautiful home, an amazing group of friends that you can't imagine doing life without.  You have finally found the perfect church and your family is thriving.  But what if? What if you lost your home?  What if something happened with your job?  What if the life you love so much was suddenly ripped apart?  What if?  What if God wanted you to walk down a different road?  What if He was asking you to walk by faith and not by sight?  Would you try to do anything to keep life as you know it?  What would you do?  Walking by faith is difficult.  If you are like me, I have to know

Do you have any lies that you believe about yourself?  I know I do.  My lies come from my past.  From a past that sneaks up on me when I least expect it.  Just when I think I've conquered one battle, God will show me another area that needs to be set free with His help.  Lately, God has shown me that I still believe certain lies to be true.  He is showing me that I allow these lies, these scars, to define who I am today.  The lies that I have believed for so long are: I am weak.  I do not have an opinion in my marriage.  I will never survive on my own.  If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have anything.  I do not have a say in finances because I am a woman.  Because I am a woman, I am not my spouses equal.  Those are just a few that I still struggle with today.  They come out in the way I act or do things.  It's also internal; in the way I think or view myself.  I struggle because of my scars.  I struggle because of my past.  I struggle because for so long I was led to

I don't know who this poem is intended for, but I feel led to encourage you.  You may be feeling like you aren't doing enough; like you are a failure in God's eyes.  I need you to know that He sees you.  He sees how hard you are working to keep your light shining bright.  Not only shining for your friends and family, but for the world to see.  I know life can make it difficult sometimes.  Please don't let life's circumstances cause your light to be snuffed out.   There is this light, high up on the hill. There is this light, that never grows still. There is this light, that flickers all night long. There is this light, that will never lead you wrong. There is this light, in the darkest of nights. There is this light, that will always shine bright. There is this light, that may grow dim. There is this light, that won't burn out within. There is this light, that lives in you. There is this light, that will get you through. There is t

As the sun comes up, I am reassured by my God that He is there.  As I open up my eyes, I can already see the yellow and orange colors reflecting in the sky and on the lake; letting me know that it indeed is a new day.  I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way, but today I felt as if the sunrise was just for me.  This morning, I was just overcome with such a peace by seeing the sun make her appearance.  I felt His presence all around me.  I felt His love and His warmth.  The lake is so calm this morning; just smooth as glass.  No sign of choppy waters.  It made me think about life and hardships.  About how we can be sailing on smooth waters one moment and in an instant, it can all change.  A storm can quickly roll in and churn up the water making it so rough that you are having a hard time trying to stay afloat.  In all times, I'm thankful that I know God.  I'm thankful that He is sailing with me on calm waters and sailing with me on choppy waters.  It's in

Ever have a bad day?  I mean a really, really bad day?  That was me the other day.  I was having one of those days where I felt completely broken on the inside.  To the outside world I appeared fine, but in reality, I was crying on the inside.  I was beating myself up.  I was allowing my thoughts and emotions to get the better of me.  I was throwing a pity party for myself.  Those aren't any fun.  If anything, they are a complete waste of our time.  I should have just turned it over to God, right?  But for some reason, I couldn't.  I was so shaken that I couldn't do what I knew to do-and that's turn it over to God. There happened to be a piece of paper on the counter so I just drew what I felt like instead and pushed it aside; I didn't think about it again.  That was until I saw what my twelve year old wrote below my drawing.  He wrote, 'Remember that God loves you and made you in His own image.  Stay strong.' I busted into tears when I saw what he had wr

I have to say how nice it has been the last two days having the boys back in school.  Not because I want them out of the house, but because I missed our schedule.  If you are like us, we thrive when we have a routine.  I go for my run after dropping them off at school.  This morning was no different.  Sure it was a little warmer than I would like, but the breeze that was coming off of our lake was amazing!  So I grabbed my phone and headed out. About a mile into my run this morning, a song came on that really spoke to my heart.  I couldn't help myself and I just started to worship as I ran along the side of the road.  Sure, people may have been looking at me funny, but I didn't care.  It made me think about people who are sick and hurting.  People that are having medical problems.  People that maybe have lost all hope in their situation.  My heart hurts today not only for the sick, but for their loved ones too.  For the ones who have to watch them go through such a difficult

Our Pastor gave such a great sermon on Sunday.  I know that a lot of people left service that day impacted by his words.  I know I left with parts of it tucked away in my heart.  He spoke about patience.  And in that, he spoke about being patient while you are single.  I have been praying for a couple ladies for a while now, and this topic is on my heart to write about.  To tell a little bit of what I went through during that time. You know, after I was thrown into being a single mom, I didn't really know who I was.  For so long, I was a wife and a mother; that's all I knew.  I lost me somewhere along the way.  I can remember trying to find myself and it being so hard.  I can also remember thinking that I wouldn't ever be fulfilled or truly happy if I wasn't in a relationship.  I felt in order to be truly happy, I had to be married.  I was trying to find my worth and happiness in my relationship status.  At times, I even "overlooked" things that I didn't

Lord, today I pray for all of the single mothers out there.  Especially, the ones who are struggling.  Fill them up with your peace today.  Give them your strength.  Show them a little extra love today.  I lift up these women for you to protect.  For you to guide down this road they are walking.  For you to make yourself known in their lives.  Guard their hearts until your best comes for them.  Protect their coming and going.  Show them that they are not alone in their struggles.  Lord, my heart is heavy for them today.  Especially, for the ones who don't have a personal relationship with you and are trying to do it by themselves.  If there is any single mother that doesn't know you, I pray that she will  give up control and allow you to work in her life.  I pray that she will begin to trust you and have faith in you.  Lord, I pray that she will learn to lean on you in every situation.  Lord, I pray that she will want to have a relationship with you.   I want her to know that s