Those Moments


This is month two of being off of the fertility meds.  It really has been hard for me.  Hard in the sense that I am giving up the control.  I know I heard in my spirit in early July that I wasn't supposed to be on meds any longer.  I wasn't ready to listen to that still small voice though.  I wasn't ready to give up that control.  In those moments, the desires of my flesh were more important than what I knew to be true in my spirit.  I went against what I knew I was supposed to do and continued another two cycles of medication.  In those two cycles, the first cycle did not work.  Instead I had crazy side effects and pain.  I thought it was a one time thing so went against that nudge again and did another cycle.  This time, the meds did their job, I ovulated, but that came with a great deal of pain and side effects and no baby.    


I know that without being on them, my chances of conceiving naturally are slim to none because of the PCOS.  But, because of the side effects, and the toll it takes on me physically and emotionally, I couldn't continue with it.  The constant ups and downs are just too much to bear anymore.  I needed a break.  I need a break from it all.  I know that we are not supposed to go down that particular road any longer; the medication road that is.  But, I am unclear with what road to take from here.  Maybe our family will be different.  Maybe God will lead us to adopt.  Or, maybe, God is testing my faith in Him.  In His ability to work in my life.  To make my dream of motherhood come true again.  At times, I find myself questioning it all though.  

 I find myself wavering at times on what God is doing; what He has planned for Adam and myself.  What He has planned for our family.  In this instance, the not knowing is always on my mind.  I try not to let it overtake my thoughts, but every time I see an announcement it knocks me down a bit.  It eats away at my faith; at my hope, at my dream.  Becoming a mommy again is my deepest hearts desire.  It's the one thing I want the most and yet it is so far out of my reach.  At times, I am really strong.  My faith is too.  But there are those moments, like today, where I feel completely defeated by it all.  There are those moments where I feel like it will never happen for us.  There are those moments where I feel like I should just throw away that dream because it isn't in the cards for us.  

 As much as I feel like quitting right now, I know deep down inside that I can't.  I won't allow myself to throw away this dream- I'm too stubborn for that.  Even though my faith is shaken today, doesn't change the fact that I know my God loves me and has an amazing plan for our family.  What ever that plan looks like, I will be okay with the outcome.  I will be okay with the uncertainty.  I will be okay with it all because greater is He who lives in me.  I know that my God is bigger than any problem or circumstance I am facing.   After all, my God is the one who gives life.  My God is the one who gives hope.  My God is the one who restores the broken hearted.  My God is bigger.  

Popular posts from this blog

Thank You, God, for Making Me a Mom

Looking back on my life, when I was just a small girl, I dreamt of becoming a mother one day. Being a mom was the only thing I wanted to be when I grew up.  I didn't have aspirations to be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher.  I simply wanted to be a mom.  So today, I am so thankful to my God.  He is the one who allowed my childhood dream of motherhood to come true. I am truly humbled that he picked me to be Cody and Owen's mommy. I come from a lineage of women who set the perfect example of what it is to be a great mom. The love of a mother is endless, as my mom, continues to show me even as I am an adult and have children of my own.   Today is the day we celebrate our moms and all of their hard work.  To show our appreciation to the one who has cared for us and loved us from day one.  As I celebrate my mother and all she continues to do, I am also reflecting upon my God.  What a mighty God we serve.  It's because of His blessings, I am a mom of two.  I am also thi
Read more

A Letter to my Boys

Cody and Owen, If I could give you any kind of advice it would be to just live.  Live your lives to the fullest.  Don't be afraid to go on new adventures.  Travel the world.  Don't be afraid to experience new things.  Meet new people.  Try new foods-at least once.  Do not ever be okay with the status quo.  Take risks.  Dream bigger.  When you are told no, don't let it defeat you.  Let it drive you.  Never lose that drive to become better men.  You only get one shot at this life, don't waste a single minute of it. Most importantly though, have a heart that loves God.  Put Him first above all else.  Live a life that honors Him.  He will watch over your coming and going. Because one day, you will leave home to forge your own way in this world.  At times, it will seem big and scary.  He will be your protector.  He will guide you along the paths you are to walk down.  Remember to be still and listen for His voice.  Consult Him on every decision.  No matter how big or
Read more
It’s hard to believe that this will be the second Christmas without my boys in it.  But even in their absence, they will still be here in memory and carried throughout the day in my heart.  Ever since this parental alienation journey began, it’s been my goal to still celebrate them and keep up with the traditions I’ve always done; even if they wouldn’t be here to see it.  Their stockings are hung, their picture with Santa has been placed on the top of the piano and their artwork from preschool have been displayed.  All in attempt to keep them alive and present with us all.   Boys, we may not be together, but I am always here.  I pray that your Christmas is filled with unspeakable joy and love as you move into the New Year.  I am praying big things over your lives and future, and I need you to know that you are loved, you are wanted and we will never give up on you.  
Read more