A Defining Moment in Time
Our lives are made up of so many defining moments. Defining moments in life give us hope. They give us peace. They give us closer. They give us dreams. I can remember one very special defining moment from back in January of 2013. That moment lives and breathes inside my heart still today. You see, after I divorced, I had no desire to marry again let alone have any more children. I felt complete and whole with the two boys God blessed me with already. I was content with it being just the three of us forever as far as I was concerned.
But God had other plans for me. God planted a seed inside of my heart and all of a sudden, I longed for more children. I longed to be someone's wife. All of a sudden, I felt this empty space in my heart. I felt incomplete in a way I couldn't describe or even understand. My heart literally changed in an instant. Without a thought or something specific happening to drive a desire for more children, it just changed. I didn't understand it at the time, but now looking back, it makes perfect sense. I didn't understand why God would place this on my heart if I didn't have a husband. But little did I know, I would meet him five months later. Little did I know he would share the same desire-the same dreams of more children as me. Little did I know, God was changing my heart for my future husband. It's funny how it all works out, you know?
I haven't exactly been silent about our struggles with infertility. That's what makes this desire to have more children so hard for me. I question God a lot. I know I shouldn't, but I do. My faith waivers back and forth more often than it should. My mind wanders to the what ifs and negative thoughts? But my heart, my heart can see a child. My heart never waivers when it comes to seeing her. My heart never waivers when it comes to whether or not a seed was ever planted in the first place-that I am certain of. I shouldn't need to know the whys-just that God planted a seed that January night for a reason. Who am I to question Him now? Who am I to question the road Adam and I have to journey down in order to grow our little family? Who am I to question God's timing or His reason behind the way it will happen?
Whenever I seek God on whether we should look into IVF, I get the same answer over and over. And it's always-in My timing, something new will be born, My way. It's very clear, especially after today that God has this. God has me in the palm of His hands. I have been so stubborn when it comes to asking for some sort of answer to the same question over and over again. God always speaks, but it's one of those things where I needed to hear the answer multiple times to really 'hear' Him.
I just need my head to get in line with my heart when it comes to this. Our thoughts are so powerful and can throw us off track so quickly. I've allowed the enemy to speak disappointment and doubt into my thoughts. I don't know how many more days we will have to wait for our child; but the certainty that lives inside my heart will serve as a constant reminder that God indeed planted a seed.
But God had other plans for me. God planted a seed inside of my heart and all of a sudden, I longed for more children. I longed to be someone's wife. All of a sudden, I felt this empty space in my heart. I felt incomplete in a way I couldn't describe or even understand. My heart literally changed in an instant. Without a thought or something specific happening to drive a desire for more children, it just changed. I didn't understand it at the time, but now looking back, it makes perfect sense. I didn't understand why God would place this on my heart if I didn't have a husband. But little did I know, I would meet him five months later. Little did I know he would share the same desire-the same dreams of more children as me. Little did I know, God was changing my heart for my future husband. It's funny how it all works out, you know? I haven't exactly been silent about our struggles with infertility. That's what makes this desire to have more children so hard for me. I question God a lot. I know I shouldn't, but I do. My faith waivers back and forth more often than it should. My mind wanders to the what ifs and negative thoughts? But my heart, my heart can see a child. My heart never waivers when it comes to seeing her. My heart never waivers when it comes to whether or not a seed was ever planted in the first place-that I am certain of. I shouldn't need to know the whys-just that God planted a seed that January night for a reason. Who am I to question Him now? Who am I to question the road Adam and I have to journey down in order to grow our little family? Who am I to question God's timing or His reason behind the way it will happen?
Whenever I seek God on whether we should look into IVF, I get the same answer over and over. And it's always-in My timing, something new will be born, My way. It's very clear, especially after today that God has this. God has me in the palm of His hands. I have been so stubborn when it comes to asking for some sort of answer to the same question over and over again. God always speaks, but it's one of those things where I needed to hear the answer multiple times to really 'hear' Him.
I just need my head to get in line with my heart when it comes to this. Our thoughts are so powerful and can throw us off track so quickly. I've allowed the enemy to speak disappointment and doubt into my thoughts. I don't know how many more days we will have to wait for our child; but the certainty that lives inside my heart will serve as a constant reminder that God indeed planted a seed.