Beauty for Ashes

Lord, ready my heart for whats to come. all I know is that your will, will be done. Ready my heart as I walk down this road. I don’t know where it’ll lead, the path is unknown. Lord, ready my heart to stand firm on your truths. to hide them in my heart and rely only on you. Ready my heart to show love and grace, and compassion and forgiveness in a situation full of hate. Lord, ready my heart to stand firm and fight, when all I want to do is run away and hide. Ready my heart by making my weaknesses strong, help me hold the shield of faith in those moments I can’t go on. Lord, ready my heart to love like you do, in every situation i am forced into. Ready my heart for what you’re taking me through, because no matter what happens, my hope and faith remain in you.

Thank you Lord for the promise of peace that comforts our anxious thoughts.  The kind of peace that guards our heart and our mind in the most trying of times.  The kind of peace that comes in the midst of our darkest hour and carries us through the minutes and sometimes seconds of the day.  Thank you for giving us a place to rest when we grow weary and a firm place to stand.  Thank you for your whispers of hope and the joy that comes every single morning.  --Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

God will sometimes ask you to leave the safety of the shore and make your way out to deeper waters.  To face your fear head on and not look back. He will ask you to simply trust His way. To trust His plan for this journey even though you don’t understand what’s happening. To trust that there is a reason why you are being called deeper and a purpose for all of it. The hard part is walking out into the water knowing that  you will have to go deeper than you've ever been before. But with each step, you'll make it a little deeper. With each step, you'll make it a little further down the road.  With each step, draw nearer to God.  Fear not, for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties.  Isaiah 41:10

The season of change is upon us once again. And just like the weather, our lives go through seasons of change too. If you are in a tough season, know that you're not alone. My prayer for you today, is that you are full of faith and hope instead of fear and discouragement.  That His peace is consuming every bit of you and that the choppy water your storm is causing is calmed by His presence. I pray that you know He is always there and will reach out His hand to lift you back up when you fall.  He loves you through every season. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9

You may not realize it, but you have been on my heart for some time now.  I don't know what is going on, or what situation you may be in, but I do know that I am to lift you up in prayer.  Two weeks ago, God put you on my heart and I have felt this heaviness for you ever since.  Just know that God is there even though you may not feel Him.  God knows what you are struggling with.  He knows what you are walking through.  He knows exactly what it is you need.  Put your trust in Him.  Put your life completely in His hands and watch Him move. I don't know exactly what it is that I'm supposed to be praying over you for, but I do know that I lift you up multiple times a day.  Asking God to give you what you need in that moment.  Asking Him to walk with you through this and that you can feel His love along the way.  I want you to know that I have been interceding for you in prayer because I care for you and what happens to your life. ...

God, Thank you for this life.  Thank you for who I share it with.  Thank you for every single trial and every tear shed because of it.  Thank you for the growth and wisdom I have gained from each fire I had to walk through.  Thank you for the trial I am walking through now and for the way it will refine me to be better purposed for my calling.  Thank you for the peace that fills my soul when the world around me is full of chaos and strife.  Thank you for being with me every step of the way and for allowing me to find rest in you.  Thank you for giving me a firm place to stand so that I don't sink in times of trial and despair. Thank you for this amazing joy that comes only from you living and breathing inside of me.  Thank you for today and each and every blessing in it.  Thank you for carrying this burden for me so it won't weigh me down and prevent me from enjoying my today.  You are my rock, my light and my life belongs to you. ...

Six years ago, life as I knew it came crashing down.  My former spouse walked out after ten years of marriage and overnight I was a single mom with two small boys.  I was left with so many questions and not enough answers.  I was left fighting to find myself again all while trying to pick up the pieces along the way.  My journey through divorce, and the effects of infidelity, and emotional abuse left me beat down and broken.  But God.  God was with me every step of the way. God mended all of the broken pieces back together and made me whole again.  He redeemed me from all of it.  I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams and am thankful for every step I had to take to get to this point.  This is what freedom looks like.  Freedom from the past.  The pain.  The struggle and brokenness.   What an amazing journey I've had in order to get to this point.  My pain has turned into something beautiful.  My pain has blossome...

The wind is blowing and the clouds are growing dark.  The sea is kicking up and the waves are doing their best to knock me down below the surface.  I can see the storm that's rolling in- it's the biggest one I have faced yet.  At any moment, this storm will try to engulf every part of me.  It will try to knock me off course and get me lost in the midst of it's darkness.  It will try to steal my hope and joy and every bit of my peace.   It will try to make me redirect my focus on it instead of the only one who can take the storm's power and calm the wind and seas.   With this storm raging all around me, I'll praise God louder.  My feet are planted firmly on the rock and my eyes are locked on Him and Him alone.  His peace surrounds me as the wind and rain brush up against my face.  The darkness of the storm gives way to the light that is living and breathing inside of me.  The lantern up on the hill is shining bright so that I ma...

I have seen and felt enough pain and heartache in the last few years to last me a lifetime.  I have journeyed down roads that I never imagined I would ever have to walk.  I have had my character and morals questioned as well as who I am as a woman and a mother.  I have had my decisions looked at with eyes of disgust and judgment by those who don't want to see the truth.  I have cried tears of sorrow and tears of joy.  I have had sleepless nights out of worry and fear and have also had nights where I was in prayer.   I could list a hundred things that aren't fair in my life, especially right now, but that wouldn't do any good.  It's because our trials are what shape us and our lives.  The way we think, the way we care, the way we love, the way we see others-our trials open our eyes to things we were once blind to.  Our trials give us compassion and grace and a deeper understanding of what someone else is going through. With another storm o...

The sun reaches down to kiss this lonely flower every single day; giving it exactly what is needed to flourish and survive the day ahead.  And just like the sun, God reaches down every day to do the same for you too.  There are days where I wake up and feel all alone in this big field-out of reach from the things I need to survive the day or a situation.  There are days I wake up feeling completely lost and fearful of what the future holds.  There are days where I wake up and allow my focus to be on the uncertainties of my life instead of the one who never waivers. But somehow, God always finds me exactly where I am.  He finds me in those moments when my focus has been blurred by this world and the trials it holds.  He reaches down to me and feeds my soul.  He gives me the things I don't yet know that I need to handle my day.  Just as the sun shines it's rays down on this flower, the Lord shines His amazing love down on us.  Feeding us an...

In this place my heart is at peace. My soul is still and engulfed by your voice and God's presence. In this place I feel the weight of the world and all the trials of life disappear. It's in these moments, when I watch you lead worship, that I feel the closest to you. It's as if we are the only ones in the room and you are singing just to me. Your passion for the Lord exudes off of you and can be felt by all who are in ear's reach of your voice.  The entire congregation may be singing out, but all I hear is you and the beating of my own heart. The stillness of these precious moments are where God leans down and whispers to me, "this is what I made him for." "This is where he belongs." You were created to worship. You were given this gift so that others can feel God's amazing love through you.  You touch so many people with your passion for worship and I couldn't be more proud as your wife to witness this. 

Single moms will always hold a special place in my heart.  That journey is challenging and frustrating and lonely and just plain stinks. You know, whether you are a new single mom or have been one for many years, I just want to love and encourage you today. I want to tell you that you are amazing and beautiful.  I want you to hear that God loves you and sees your struggles.  He is right there with you even though you may not feel it. Like me, I'm sure you never envisioned motherhood this way.  But the reality is, here you are, raising your child alone or in a split family.  I know how many challenging situations can arise, but for me, one of the hardest things I had to deal with was the time away from my boys.  You know, being a mama was all I ever wanted to be.  When I thought about having them, I didn't see this reality.  And when it happened it was as if I had been hit in the face with a brick wall.  I didn't know how to be 'alone'. ...

Surrendering our problems, our fears and doubts is a tough thing to do sometimes. To let go and let God move isn't always natural for us.  To let go and let God begin to refine us and make us new can be scary.  It's hard because the refining process is so difficult to walk through most of the time.  It challenges us to see problems, people, and situations the way God does.  It allows us to see these things without our emotions fogging up our view.  We all have to do it at some point if we want to experience the freedom God can bring us from all of our junk.  Even when it goes against everything in our being to hang on, you must let go.  I know that there is someone out there going through a season of surrender.  This season is exceptionally hard as you want to have complete control.  You don't want to loosen your grip.  You are thinking that you can do it all on your own.  That you can do it in your strength.   But I'm here t...

It's so important to remember to take time for yourself.  To just slip away to rest and recharge your mind, body and spirit.  I know, its hard for us moms to actually do this, but it's necessary.  Yesterday was one of those days for me.  Not because I didn't sleep well the night before, but because I needed to escape the busyness of life.  I said no to the dishes and laundry and yes to time to myself for a change. One of my favorite places to go is the beach.  So after I dropped the boys off at school, I went. There is something so calming about the sound of the waves and the smell of the ocean and the cool breeze hitting your face.  The sound of the umbrella swaying in the wind and the cool shade it casts down.  It's a place where all my stress and worry just melt away.  It's just about the only place I can go and completely clear my head.  I left feeling full.  I left recharged and ready to tackle what was waiting for me at home...

I have been through some pretty dark valleys.  It wasn't easy to maneuver my way through; and at times, I was so lost I didn't know what to do or which way to go.   I made many mistakes along the way that knocked me down. But each and every single time, I picked myself back up and chose a different way to go.  There were many people who had ideas or opinions about which road I should take.  Which road was 'best for me'.  But you know what?  It wasn't their journey.  It wasn't their life to live.  It was my journey to travel and the only thing I asked of them was for their support no matter which road I decided to venture down. I know that some of you feel like I once did; lost and not sure which way to go.  I know that some of you are in the darkest of valleys right now and all you want is a way out.  I know that some of you feel judged because of the choices you have made thus far.  But remember this-only you are going to know w...

When I look back over the past three years, there are so many emotions.  I am happy and sad and hopeful and amazed and thankful for all we have been through.  My mind takes me to the baby Adam and I conceived on our second round of fertility meds.  The baby we lost ten weeks later.  The road of infertility is a hard road to travel.  It’s not one I ever expected to personally journey down-but here I am, three years into this roller coaster.  I am left  wondering, when will the ride be over?  How much longer do I have to hang on?   In all times, we turn to our faith.  But in times of trial and heartache, we have learned that the only way to walk a tough road is with our Heavenly Father’s help. I don’t understand why this is happening to us, and I don’t need to.  But what I do understand is that God has already walked this road ahead of us.  God has this and is holding us in the palm of His mighty hands.  He helps us cope...

Sometimes, in order to find yourself again you have to wander.  You have to journey down roads that are scary and dark and be okay if you get lost. You have to find the beauty in the everyday trials that have you wandering around as if you see no end in sight.  Much like the storms of life, the wind may blow hard against you trying to knock you down and the rain may try to drown you.  The storms can be relentless and dark.  But the sun will eventually peek through, His light will surround you in peace.  And at the end of it all, something new and beautiful is born.  You find yourself.  The journey was worth it.

Joint custody is something I don't think I'll ever get used to.  The week on week off schedule is hard on everyone-especially, the boys.  This morning, I dropped them off at school and had to say goodbye for what still feels like the very first time.  I miss them like crazy-every second of every single day they are away. I hate that I am missing out on half of their lives growing up and there isn't anything I can do about it.  My life has felt incomplete for so long because of the longing for more time with the boys. But God.  God has a way of showing us things at just the right moment.  In those moments when we need to see it and understand it the most.  Just when I think it won't ever get any easier, it does a little.  Tonight, for the first time, I was able to find the silver lining in the midst of all of this.  I suppose it's something that I have always known and understood, but something that my heart wasn't ready to fully grasp in or...

So many people are struggling and have lost hope. So many people that don't know or even understand God's love need to hear it.  They need to hear your testimony of how God healed and helped you overcome your pain or trials. They need to hear that God draws near to the brokenhearted and can give you beauty for ashes.  That's why sharing your testimony can be so powerful for those who need to hear it.  For those who may be struggling with the very thing that you overcame, your testimony can be life changing to them.  It took me a long time before I was able to share my story with the world.  Because for a long time, I lived in fear and shame for what happened.  I carried this burden when it wasn't mine to carry. I have been redeemed from a lot of my past, but there is still a portion that hasn't been told.  This part of my story is too painful for me to say out loud.  It's even too painful for me to think about.  I have never uttered a word ...

To this day, how I view myself isn't always the best.  I criticize and talk negatively about myself often.  And I have low self-esteem because of things I've had to walk through.  My sense of worth has been altered by situations and circumstances, that at the time, I had no idea were affecting me the way that they were.  I know that there are others out there who are struggling with things that I had to walk through and who are trying to find their worth in the midst of heartache.  I know how incredibly hard that is-to be hurting so bad all while trying to make sense of it all.  All while trying to find some peace amongst the chaos that is raging around you.  Even though it may not seem like it now, I want you to know that you are worthy of so much.  You are worthy of greatness.  You are worthy of happiness and love. Finding my worth after my former spouse left was incredibly difficult for me.  When you go through something like that, ...

Is your life in turmoil right now?  Are you struggling with an addiction?  Are you right in the middle of a raging storm where you are holding on tight because your boat is about to sink?  Are you lost and searching for answers-for clarity?   When facing a difficult situation or going through a storm, what do you do?  How do you act or react in the face of adversity?  Do you look up for the answers or do you focus on the problem and how you can solve it on your own?  Do you turn your attention to trying to control the situation or do you put your hands in the air and ask God to take over?   I know for me, I struggle with letting go and letting God.  Especially with the infertility.  I find with certain trials, my first thought is to try and control the outcome.  To make it work in my timing and not God's.  Instead of saying, "God, you are bigger than this hardship", I am saying with my actions, "God, you are not capable"...

I haven't written about the struggle of infertility in a long time.  Partly, because I don't want to think about it and all of the pain that goes along with that reality. But, with each passing month, and each passing birthday, it's on my mind more than ever.  I know the risks and statistics involved once you are over thirty-five and well, I'll be thirty-six in July. I know age is just a number and you are only as old as you feel, but, I also know that it makes it even harder to conceive too. No woman wants to hear the 'infertility' word.  But almost three years ago, I did.  I could have never imagined the impact it would have in my life.  The stress, the disappointment, the frustration.  It all comes in waves; some just break at my knees and I'm able to keep going, but then there are the ones that are so big that they knock me down beneath the current.  What I need hasn't been on my radar in a long time as I'm trying to do anything I can to forget...

My journey in life has been amazing-even in the midst of heartache and trials.  My journey took me to places that I thought would destroy me completely or break me beyond repair.  My journey has had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. And with each high and each low I praised God the same.  You see, my journey always includes God.  It doesn't matter where I am going, He is coming along.  My journey always brought me to His feet whether the reason was praise or to cry out to Him for help. Today is no different.  I still desire God to be with me every step of the way.  My heart is His.  My life is His.  I have stumbled through the darkest of valleys and I don't want to do it without Him.  I have seen what He alone can do.  I have seen His miracles work in my own life.  My joy and my peace in heartache and trials are because He is alive inside of me.  Only He satisfies my soul.  God is my resting place.

Shame.  A lot of us carry this around when it's not ours to bear.  But why do we do it anyway?  Someone made me realize this weekend just how much shame I have been carrying around with me. He made me realize how this shame has been holding me back from being all that God made me to be.  Shame has me in chains and shackles and that is preventing me from taking steps forward.  Instead, I have been knocking myself back a few steps at a time or just staying in the same place. I've been asking myself for the last few days-why?  Why are you carrying around something that isn't yours to carry?  Why are you bearing a burden that you shouldn't?  And the truth is, I can't answer it, really.  You see, I have been carrying around a tremendous amount of shame as well as embarrassment because of my past-because of what my story is.  Because of the subject matter, I feel as if I am constantly being judged or looked upon a certain way.  Because ...

It's hard not to be still when you are flying through the clouds.  It renders you speechless because the views are so breathtaking. You can't help but think, 'wow, God'. I caught my youngest, Owen, quietly snapping away.  I suppose he was in awe of the beauty + of seeing the earth below him through a different set of eyes; possibly thinking this must be God's view every single day.  But mostly, watching Owen in that still, quiet moment, made me think about what God has made beautiful in my life.  The blessing of children + my husband + second chances + grace + unconditional love.  It's nice to slow down and have those quiet moments to reflect + to thank the one who has made all of that possible.

Life is full of hard decisions, especially if you're a parent. Young minds don't always understand the choices we have to make for them. No matter how big or small the decision is, always include God in the decision making process. Especially the hard ones. The big decisions can be extremely scary to make and our ability to make the right call can be cloudy due to our heart and the way we feel. I'm assured when I read Psalm 56:3... "When I am afraid, I will trust in you." So let God help guide you with every big and small decision even if it's going against everything you feel.

{Finding Beauty} in my everyday.  Today, it's the beauty in the midst of a storm.  Much like the storms of life, the wind may blow hard against you trying to knock you down and the rain may try to drown you.  The storms can be relentless and dark.  But, the sun will eventually peek through, His light will surround you in peace.  And at the end of it all, something new and beautiful is born. 

Our lives are made up of so many defining moments.  Defining moments in life give us hope.  They give us peace.  They give us closer.  They give us dreams.  I can remember one very special defining moment from back in January of 2013.  That moment lives and breathes inside my heart still today.  You see, after I divorced, I had no desire to marry again let alone have any more children.  I felt complete and whole with the two boys God blessed me with already.  I was content with it being just the three of us forever as far as I was concerned.    But God had other plans for me.  God planted a seed inside of my heart and all of a sudden, I longed for more children.  I longed to be someone's wife.  All of a sudden, I felt this empty space in my heart.  I felt incomplete in a way I couldn't describe or even understand.  My heart literally changed in an instant.  Without a thought or something specific happ...

I feel like I have so many titles.  I'm a woman.  I'm a child of the Most High.  I'm a wife.  I'm a mother.  I'm a homemaker.  But, it's the less obvious title that I've felt I needed to express.  One that is always in the background.  One that is always in the dark.  It's not always easy to admit, but, I am also broken.  I suppose we all are in some way-some more than others.  No matter what has broken you though, the road to mend every single crack and reinforce every broken bone, at least for me, has been a long, painful journey.  I know that slowly and surely though, I am making progress; and that, I am thankful for.   I sat down with the intention of writing about being broken.  I wanted to write about how I feel on the inside.  How I know that many of you with the same titles as me must feel too.  As moms, especially, we put an immense amount of expectation on ourselves.  We tend to compare ours...

God, I know you are busy,  But I thought I would see, If you would please do this one tiny favor for me? Today I am feeling so much love, For that little bundle of joy of mine up above. I was hoping I could ask you for something simple and sweet. I was hoping you would give my baby a hug for me.  Not just any old hug will do. It'll be an extra special one from me through you. I can't think of anyone better for this job. Than her Heavenly Father who has held her all along. Will you please wrap your arms around her, And squeeze her oh so tight? And tell her that her mama loves her with all her might. Will you please hold her close for a moment or two? Just like her mother would love to do? Will you please give her a kiss on her rosy red cheek? And tell her that it's full of love from her daddy and me? I have this feeling embedded in my soul. One only a mother who lost her child is sure to know. It's a feeling that stands the test of time. So, if...

Do you ever feel like you have messed up so much that there is no way God would welcome you into His Kingdom?  That there is no way He could ever love someone like you?  That He would never look past your mistakes, your failures, your sin?  That He would never want to bless your life? One of the lies the enemy wants us to believe is that there is no way we could ever turn our lives around after we have failed.  The enemy wants us to live feeling defeated and worthless.  The enemy wants us to live feeling guilty and condemned. The enemy wants us to believe that God would never love a sinner like us; not after what we have done in our past.  The enemy knows our weaknesses and wants us to believe that because of our past, our mistakes and failures, that we could never be loved by God.  Because of our sins, God would never love us enough to want to free us let alone call us His son or daughter. Our Heavenly Father loves us regardless of our past. ...

The Holiday season sure is busy.  From decorating your house and tree to baking cookies and planning the big family Christmas meal.  The excitement of being able to give and spending time with family.  And just like that, it's all over.  It is over before you know it and then the fun part begins; taking down and putting everything away until next year.  I know that in all the busyness and chaos, I was able to make many wonderful new memories.  Ones that I will never forget.  But today, I welcome the silence.  I welcome the routine.  I welcome this alone time I have.  Today my thoughts are loud.  There isn't any noise or distractions to drown them out.  My thoughts are of what I want myself to remember going into this year.  My thoughts are for my future self. Today, my thoughts are of what this year may bring for me-the good and the bad.  And what I need to remember during those moments.  My thoughts are al...