Roots of Bitterness

Since starting this blog, I've opened up in ways I didn't know I could.  I originally started to write to get my entire testimony out there.  It turns out that it is also therapeutic for me.  With every post I write, it sets me free. But sometimes, I hear God telling me to sit and write.  When I feel His nudge, I know that someone out there needs to hear what God needs to say.  If I don't sit down right away, He keeps nudging me until I do.  When this happens, I have no clue what I'm supposed to write about.  The moments my fingers touch the keys it pours out of me.  The feeling is indescribable.  God literally gives me the words.

The last two days, I've been hearing God say to write about a specific thing-bitterness.  Mainly, because it's a word meant for me.  It's something that He wants me to hear-to write. You see, I am guilty of allowing bitterness to make a home deep inside my heart.  I didn't realize it until recently but it placed its ugly roots a little over four years ago.  By writing about it, it will allow me to set it free.  To be able to forgive.

When you have been wronged, it is really hard to let go sometimes.  To forgive.  Yeah, I was wronged, but it isn't an excuse to harbor bitterness towards anyone.  My bitterness isn't towards who you would think it is.  My bitterness has been towards a woman.  A woman who was a mother figure to me for twelve years.  For some reason, because of the way she treats me and makes me feel, I can't seem to forgive her.  I haven't wanted to forgive her.  I know this is a strong statement, but I'm wanting to be transparent here- I hate her for the way she is towards me today.

God doesn't want us to live with grudges.  God wants us to love people even with their faults and failures.  I know I'm struggling to love her and to truly forgive her.  But with God's help and His guidance, I will be able to let go of my bitterness and finally forgive her.  It is going to take a lot of effort on my part and a lot of patience on God's part.  But I know that where I am weak, He is strong.  This mountain will be climbed just like all the others before it.

By choosing to forgive and let go of bitterness it doesn't guarantee that her behavior will change.  It doesn't mean that she will choose to respect me again.  And that's okay.  Today is the day that I'm saying goodbye to bitterness.  Today, I'm choosing to forgive her for the way she treats me.  Today, I'm making it a point to pray for her.  To be thankful she is part of the boys lives.  Today, the roots of bitterness have been ripped out of my heart and will no longer have a home with me.  From now on, only beautiful things will be allowed to take root within me.


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