Little One
Little one.
It's Mommy.
I loved you from the moment I learned I was carrying you.
Even though the outside couldn't tell you were growing inside me, I could feel you.
I was able to get a glimpse of your tiny heart beating when the odds were stacked against you.
You were very tiny but also very tough.
you hung on for as long as you could.
Little one.
I won't be able to see you in this life.
I won't be able to watch you grow up.
You are now with our Heavenly Father.
He loves you like we do.
Little one.
I miss you.
I love you.
-Mommy
It is so hard to believe that I wrote this note a year ago. For some reason today, I feel led to write about this time of my life. This note and the memories have been on my heart all day. I don't know if someone out there needs to hear my experience. Or to know they are not alone in their pain and grief. Or, if it is simply God taking me back to this day/night because I ran away from all the emotions a year ago. He may be leading me back so I can face it all before I can truly get well.
I can remember this day/night like it was yesterday. I was numb. I was full of grief. I didn't want to face the fact that the baby inside me had no heartbeat. I can remember laying on the table at the doctor's office. The ultrasound tech was eerily too quiet. I knew that something was wrong. She finally turned the monitor towards us to show us there was no longer a heartbeat. I could barely look at the screen. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. I was trying to be strong. I didn't want to break down at the doctor's office and I wasn't ready to break down in front of Adam. I just sat there, quiet and numb, as I waited on my doctor to come in the room.
I think it took a little bit for the news to set in. I mean, I was aware that I had been told the baby passed, but I don't think I really accepted it at that moment. Eventually, the tears came. I could no longer pretend that I was strong. It was okay to be sad. It was okay to grieve. It was okay to cry. I had to remind myself that all of that was normal. It was okay not to be strong in that moment.
I couldn't sleep that night. I couldn't stop the tears that were flowing down my face. I needed to say goodbye to this child and the only way I knew how to was to write. I was sad for Adam. After all, this was his first child. The doctors tell you not to blame yourself, that they don't really know why these things happen. But, it's kinda hard not to place some of the blame on yourself. At first, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I just felt like I had let him down. We were so excited to welcome this child. But God needed the baby to come home to Him a little earlier than we had anticipated.
The past year has been an on and off again struggle. For most of the year, it was hard for me to see a pregnant woman and the joy they had on their face. It was hard to see all of your friends announcing they were expecting. And then seeing all the pictures of the newborns. I can remember just looking at photos from the time when I knew our little one was growing inside me. It was the only thing that brought me some sort of peace. That time was just plain hard. When you see a baby, your first thought is how old our baby would be. To this day, I still find myself thinking about how old our little one would be at this moment. In the last month or so, I can honestly say that I am truly happy when a friend announces they are pregnant. I can finally say congratulations without faking the words and smile. I finally do not have that sinking feeling in my stomach.
So thank you, God, for trusting us with this little one. Even though we would never be able to hold him/her in our arms, we were still blessed. Thank you for bringing me back to this day/night to deal with some emotions that I ran away from and that I haven't yet faced. I pray that after blogging about this, it leaves me with such a great peace afterwards. Thank you for carrying me through the pain of losing this child and bringing me through to the healing side. Thank you, God. We thank you.
It's Mommy.
I loved you from the moment I learned I was carrying you.
Even though the outside couldn't tell you were growing inside me, I could feel you.
I was able to get a glimpse of your tiny heart beating when the odds were stacked against you.
You were very tiny but also very tough.
you hung on for as long as you could.
Little one.
I won't be able to see you in this life.
I won't be able to watch you grow up.
You are now with our Heavenly Father.
He loves you like we do.
Little one.
I miss you.
I love you.
-Mommy
It is so hard to believe that I wrote this note a year ago. For some reason today, I feel led to write about this time of my life. This note and the memories have been on my heart all day. I don't know if someone out there needs to hear my experience. Or to know they are not alone in their pain and grief. Or, if it is simply God taking me back to this day/night because I ran away from all the emotions a year ago. He may be leading me back so I can face it all before I can truly get well.
I can remember this day/night like it was yesterday. I was numb. I was full of grief. I didn't want to face the fact that the baby inside me had no heartbeat. I can remember laying on the table at the doctor's office. The ultrasound tech was eerily too quiet. I knew that something was wrong. She finally turned the monitor towards us to show us there was no longer a heartbeat. I could barely look at the screen. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. I was trying to be strong. I didn't want to break down at the doctor's office and I wasn't ready to break down in front of Adam. I just sat there, quiet and numb, as I waited on my doctor to come in the room.
I think it took a little bit for the news to set in. I mean, I was aware that I had been told the baby passed, but I don't think I really accepted it at that moment. Eventually, the tears came. I could no longer pretend that I was strong. It was okay to be sad. It was okay to grieve. It was okay to cry. I had to remind myself that all of that was normal. It was okay not to be strong in that moment.
I couldn't sleep that night. I couldn't stop the tears that were flowing down my face. I needed to say goodbye to this child and the only way I knew how to was to write. I was sad for Adam. After all, this was his first child. The doctors tell you not to blame yourself, that they don't really know why these things happen. But, it's kinda hard not to place some of the blame on yourself. At first, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I just felt like I had let him down. We were so excited to welcome this child. But God needed the baby to come home to Him a little earlier than we had anticipated.
So thank you, God, for trusting us with this little one. Even though we would never be able to hold him/her in our arms, we were still blessed. Thank you for bringing me back to this day/night to deal with some emotions that I ran away from and that I haven't yet faced. I pray that after blogging about this, it leaves me with such a great peace afterwards. Thank you for carrying me through the pain of losing this child and bringing me through to the healing side. Thank you, God. We thank you.